16.12.07
15.12.07
29.11.07
in loving memory
something is wrong with me...and I know why for once. on Saturday November 24, 2007 my aunt died. she was in Texas while I live in Washington. I haven't seen her for about a year. a little less then a year ago her house went up in flames and she barely made it out. she never really recovered. she was my mother's sister and I was very close to her, I can't even speak to my mom without crying. I'm crying now. she was the only family member that I could trust that I've every really believed in. when I was younger and my mom and dad would fight she was there to comfort me, to tell me that adults were crazy sometimes even though I sort of understood. I'm heartbroken that I didn't get to see her, that I never will again. I didn't get to make to the funeral either, there was just no way. I can't help but cry and feel upset, I can't really sleep that well at night since they told me. I'm a mess. I can't concentrate on anything that I should be like work, I can't read because she loved reading so much...i break down so much and so often, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cried or felt like crap since they told me. they made sure they got in contact with me that day. I know that she's not suffering now and I'm happy for that, I'm happy that I can believe that she's in heaven...for I do believe in heaven and in God, it may not be your belief but it's mine. it keeps me sane thinking she's not truly gone from me that I will see her again when I eventually die myself.
it is strange how they always say passed away...she's dead, she's not just gone through some phase or something. I don't know it just seems odd to me how they tried to lighten the blow by using what they consider softer words. maybe that's the only way they could take to hear it though even from their own mouths.
i miss her so much, I wish I could have been there to see her one last time. I will forever keep her in my heart for she is bound to my soul as a friend and as family.
I love you Aunt Charlene with all my heart even though you are gone I will forever remember you.
it is strange how they always say passed away...she's dead, she's not just gone through some phase or something. I don't know it just seems odd to me how they tried to lighten the blow by using what they consider softer words. maybe that's the only way they could take to hear it though even from their own mouths.
i miss her so much, I wish I could have been there to see her one last time. I will forever keep her in my heart for she is bound to my soul as a friend and as family.
I love you Aunt Charlene with all my heart even though you are gone I will forever remember you.
just for her....
this is more about the song then the video....it's for the post to follow this.........
12.11.07
the darkness that is
"get used to the darkness that is"
it's what i said this morning as i stepped from one room to another and left the light off because he was sleeping. it struck me as an odd sort of phrase to come out of someone's mouth but it's what we all do all the time. we get familiar with the darkness that is. at the time i was just talking about the lights being off, but as i type i realize that we constantly start to become numb to the "darkness". just like last night when we were talking with our friends, -cancer- it's a scary horrible disease, but we say cancer now like it's nothing. yes we worry for those we know whom have it, and we would be terrified if we were cursed with it but we've become numb to the word. just like we are numb to violence and death, we are numb to things that are tragic. we talk about things that used to be taboo or something you just didn't talk about cause well you don't want to think about it because we are so familiar with the terms. you know someone who's been affected by it, who's done it, who's lived through the darkness that is. we no longer really see it as darkness though, we see it as having just a little light in the room so that we can barely see but still you see into the darkness that is. is that a good or a bad thing that we get comfortable with the darkness that is?
it's what i said this morning as i stepped from one room to another and left the light off because he was sleeping. it struck me as an odd sort of phrase to come out of someone's mouth but it's what we all do all the time. we get familiar with the darkness that is. at the time i was just talking about the lights being off, but as i type i realize that we constantly start to become numb to the "darkness". just like last night when we were talking with our friends, -cancer- it's a scary horrible disease, but we say cancer now like it's nothing. yes we worry for those we know whom have it, and we would be terrified if we were cursed with it but we've become numb to the word. just like we are numb to violence and death, we are numb to things that are tragic. we talk about things that used to be taboo or something you just didn't talk about cause well you don't want to think about it because we are so familiar with the terms. you know someone who's been affected by it, who's done it, who's lived through the darkness that is. we no longer really see it as darkness though, we see it as having just a little light in the room so that we can barely see but still you see into the darkness that is. is that a good or a bad thing that we get comfortable with the darkness that is?
19.10.07
...
if feels as if everything is crashing down around me. nothing seems to go quite right and i always seem to be in this state of crying and feeling horrible. i hate this. why does it feel this way not some other way. why can't everything just go right. why am i so twisted in my thinking. i don't understand. i have to change, i will. somehow someway. i'm being emo more and more lately. everything seem superficial sometimes. though nothing really is. this is only a job not a career not for me. i don't know how to make it any better. there was a man that said to me that if you hated your job it would make your whole life miserable. i'm beginning to believe him. i was doing fine till the last two weeks i thought. i'm scared of losing my job because of this, it's what i live on...what pays for everything right now. i'm the one screwing up though so whatever i'll deal somehow. i hope...
i can't think straight. so much is wrong. so much is my fault. my brain lives in a different place then i'm at...it doesn't stay in this reality most the time. i'm not a worker bee...i'm a lazy moronic something that only works well when truly creating something. i have no passion for this. i have a passion for art, for math, for writing. not for this. i detest this. dreams were put away for logic though. i knew i hated this a year before i graduated college but i don't quit things. so here i am in a good job that would be a great career but i wish i could just leave it and be capable of doing what i want. but no i'm stuck where most people are these days struggling just to make it at a job that i would rather leave. i hope it's on my own terms though. -_-
things seem so complicated most the time. they aren't but they seem to be. i need to learn to speak my mind and not be afraid, to not worry about what people think. i thought i had, i thought that's who i was, but i'm not i'm just shy quite little mouse of a girl, not a woman mind you. i'm this little kid who never grew up out of the shell she placed around herself to keep everyone out. i wish i could draw or paint or sing or play music or something good enough to make my living off of it i wish i'd gotten my teaching degree already because i think i would do better there. i'd sort of have a break sometimes. i don't know what to do though because i have no credential for anything but doing what i'm doing and, as i've said several times already, i hate what i'm doing.
i'm good at just doing what i'm told when i understand it but i'm not good at doing what i'm told when i hate it. office work as a teachers assistant was easy but not enough to live off of. and i can't go back to my family. i hated it there too. i don't really know if i should even hope for changes because i'm scared that i would end up being bored and miserable there too. strange isn't it. i don't even know if it's a logical thought pattern. no one else here seems to mind the job. they just do it. but i'm not fit for this i guess...i'm not really fit for anything.
i'm a coward. just call me chicken. paint me yellow and get it over with. that way i'll just be able to cower in my dark corner.
i can't think straight. so much is wrong. so much is my fault. my brain lives in a different place then i'm at...it doesn't stay in this reality most the time. i'm not a worker bee...i'm a lazy moronic something that only works well when truly creating something. i have no passion for this. i have a passion for art, for math, for writing. not for this. i detest this. dreams were put away for logic though. i knew i hated this a year before i graduated college but i don't quit things. so here i am in a good job that would be a great career but i wish i could just leave it and be capable of doing what i want. but no i'm stuck where most people are these days struggling just to make it at a job that i would rather leave. i hope it's on my own terms though. -_-
things seem so complicated most the time. they aren't but they seem to be. i need to learn to speak my mind and not be afraid, to not worry about what people think. i thought i had, i thought that's who i was, but i'm not i'm just shy quite little mouse of a girl, not a woman mind you. i'm this little kid who never grew up out of the shell she placed around herself to keep everyone out. i wish i could draw or paint or sing or play music or something good enough to make my living off of it i wish i'd gotten my teaching degree already because i think i would do better there. i'd sort of have a break sometimes. i don't know what to do though because i have no credential for anything but doing what i'm doing and, as i've said several times already, i hate what i'm doing.
i'm good at just doing what i'm told when i understand it but i'm not good at doing what i'm told when i hate it. office work as a teachers assistant was easy but not enough to live off of. and i can't go back to my family. i hated it there too. i don't really know if i should even hope for changes because i'm scared that i would end up being bored and miserable there too. strange isn't it. i don't even know if it's a logical thought pattern. no one else here seems to mind the job. they just do it. but i'm not fit for this i guess...i'm not really fit for anything.
i'm a coward. just call me chicken. paint me yellow and get it over with. that way i'll just be able to cower in my dark corner.
30.8.07
Apathy
ap·a·thy
–noun
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
ap·a·thy
n.
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
the reason i have put these definitions of apathy, is because that would describe how i currently am. apathetic. i don't really care to do anything, except maybe sleep. i think it might be the depression but i remember feeling this way before, just wanting to sit or rather lay in the room just looking up at the ceiling and listening to music with all the lights turned off. then just fall asleep that way. i'm tired i don't want to do anything i think cause i'm so sleepy, maybe next week after i've slept this weekend i'll be okay. i need to find something to keep my interest for a longer period of time i suppose. i need something to make i think. it'd be a temporary fix. i can't do that for a week or two though. stupid money. ^.^
i am sick today too, i wish i still had some sick time to cover today but alas i have a twelve hour day today so i will be here for a long time. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. i know i'm complaining a lot, i try not to, but here i defiantly do an extensive amount of it. i'm don't like to complain but i need to and so here's the easiest place to do it. so sorry i guess.
–noun
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
ap·a·thy
n.
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
the reason i have put these definitions of apathy, is because that would describe how i currently am. apathetic. i don't really care to do anything, except maybe sleep. i think it might be the depression but i remember feeling this way before, just wanting to sit or rather lay in the room just looking up at the ceiling and listening to music with all the lights turned off. then just fall asleep that way. i'm tired i don't want to do anything i think cause i'm so sleepy, maybe next week after i've slept this weekend i'll be okay. i need to find something to keep my interest for a longer period of time i suppose. i need something to make i think. it'd be a temporary fix. i can't do that for a week or two though. stupid money. ^.^
i am sick today too, i wish i still had some sick time to cover today but alas i have a twelve hour day today so i will be here for a long time. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. i know i'm complaining a lot, i try not to, but here i defiantly do an extensive amount of it. i'm don't like to complain but i need to and so here's the easiest place to do it. so sorry i guess.
27.8.07
no sleep :(
maybe i need to type some so that i can stay awake today since i stayed up all night last night. chris and i just couldn't go to sleep. what's funny is we thought we could just go to sleep tonight but we forgot that today was the first time we were going to start our 2 times a week DnD sessions. right now chris is taking a nap and i'm at work, but i think i'm going to have bookoo tonight. (bookoo is a great energy drink thats mostly natural caffeine.) maybe with his nap and my energy drink we'll be okay for the game tonight. i'm not so sure though.
24.8.07
quirky lil me
well i seem to be doing okay today. better then yesterday with my crying self today i'm just a little apathetic and well pessimistic. i'm beginning to feel somewhat jaded, i know i'm not really compared to a lot of people in this world but i'm beginning to believe the worst will be the outcome. eh , i guess that when i began to stop hoping for certain things when i got disappointed so many times by the things my father and other people in my family said would happen and them never even coming close to happening. to me everything is talk until it happens. it's strange that i feel that way, because some amazing things have happened in my life, such as my great grades without so much work in high school and college, my amazing job and moving over two thousand miles away from home with out paying anything out of my own pocket, and of course that i live with a man that i love and whom loves me and we'll be getting married soon. you get disappointed enough i suppose that you'll stop hoping all together no matter what happens in you life, no mater what "miracles" occur. i'm gaining some hope, learning who i can trust to follow through on what they say they'll do. trust, i swear it should be a four letter word. trust is really what i've lost i suppose, trust in my family was gone long ago, i'm learning to trust other people and how to trust them without doing so blindly. mostly i'm having to learn how to trust in myself now though and have hope in me, to believe in myself is the hardest lesson i will ever try to learn. loving my self is even harder. i'm doing better though trusting in my own decisions is helping, seeing that i can make it on my own seeing that even though i need my fiancee i could make it without him and i'm not just hanging on to him because he's my security blanket like some people thought he would be for me coming out here. i do need him and i am better off with him then without him, but i would be okay should something ever occur to part us though it would hurt like hell. i'm not saying something will, i guess i was thinking more along the lines of one of us dying when i wrote that sentence, or if we had never met. i'm so glad we did though. he's so precious to me, i'm so happy he's in my life and he's helping me to become a stronger more confident me in spite of myself. i'm trying to do the same for him though i think currently he's doing more of the work. i say that because currently i'm falling to pieces and in one of the deeper parts of my depression( i think it's deeper simply because i'm trying to claw my way out of it) so he's supporting me and holding me up even when i'm horribly mean to him. he loves me through it, not that he doesn't always love me anyways but he gets me through it by loving me and being understanding and patient with my "moodiness."
it's always so weird what topics just seem to lead me back to my own stupid problems, well i guess they're not stupid just frustrating. i started out talking about my being okay today and ended up talking about my life and hopeless/trustlessness (is that a word?) and my sweet fiancee. he can be a jerk sometimes though so i get to love him through that too. all people have their moods and their unique tendencies and quirks. hehe, i always liked the word quirky. in fact i've often thought of myself as quirky though i'm no sure i really am. ^.^
quirk·y
–adjective
having or full of quirks.
quirk
-noun
1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
4. An equivocation; a quibble.
it's always so weird what topics just seem to lead me back to my own stupid problems, well i guess they're not stupid just frustrating. i started out talking about my being okay today and ended up talking about my life and hopeless/trustlessness (is that a word?) and my sweet fiancee. he can be a jerk sometimes though so i get to love him through that too. all people have their moods and their unique tendencies and quirks. hehe, i always liked the word quirky. in fact i've often thought of myself as quirky though i'm no sure i really am. ^.^
quirk·y
–adjective
having or full of quirks.
quirk
-noun
1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
4. An equivocation; a quibble.
23.8.07
little snipit
i'm so brain dead currently and i just can't get my mind to function, which isn't good at work, heck it isn't any good anywhere. meh...
what i do when i'm bored at work
i'm doing better now, as usual after a little writing/typing and some time i'm not feeling like i need to cry. i've also been focusing on this web comic though. (yeah yeah i know "omfg your reading web comics at work! ") i actually have three i'm currently keeping up with. goblins, earthsong and right now i'm getting up to date on inverloch, there all interesting. ^.^
Goblins
Earthsong
Inverloch
there's all the links to them, it'll be on the latest comic so you'll have to go back to the begining to read all of it so you understand the story except for inverloch it starts that link is for the first panel. some of them start out kinda weird then start making sense, actually all of them do. hehe, go one read some.
<3
Goblins
Earthsong
Inverloch
there's all the links to them, it'll be on the latest comic so you'll have to go back to the begining to read all of it so you understand the story except for inverloch it starts that link is for the first panel. some of them start out kinda weird then start making sense, actually all of them do. hehe, go one read some.
<3
meh
i'm not doing so well this morning. i really want to just curl up in a ball and cry. it's frustrating to have bad days like this where i feel so bad and everything seems to make it feel worse. isn't it strange how we can have such violent extremes. my days get horrible and then some days are wonderful, somethings wrong, there must be a reason i'm crying but really there's not. i could let other things be my excuse for why i'm crying today but that wouldn't be real. i'm sad for really no reason today but i just want to cry. there's a skit that dane cook does in which he talks about needing to cry all day but you just can't figure out what till later on...well i'm not that way when i have those days...i know i have to cry and i don't want to. it makes others feel bad when you cry and i've done so much of it lately. i feel guilty for being around them when i'm sad cause i don't want them to be sad or worried.
Dane Cook, The Cry
He's right we all have that phrase don't we...i always say "i'm sorry" cause i feel it's my fault even though it might not be necessary. i might not even be able to control it but somehow my mind construes that it's my fault and i'm good at lying to myself strangely. usually isn't that what most people have to work to do. i've told my self it's my fault and to me it is, i've told myself they'll hate me or being around me if i cry to much and so that's what i think. when it comes right down to it if i'll just tell myself the truth, i had no real control over it or there was nothing else i could have done, and they don't hate me they just want me to be okay. now i'm not saying nothings my fault but there's a lot of things that i take blame on myself for that no one would even think about giving me blame for. i hope that makes sense. it probably doesn't though cause well i'm not really making sense to myself this morning. i have this overwhelming feeling of being distraught, that's a little dramatic isn't it, i don 't mean to be. i hate dramatics and chaos in life, just makes everything a little worse.
i don't know if i'll be able to make my 10 hours today or not, but i have to, even though i just want to hide and cry. i'm sad....i'm depressed...i'm begin to be very destructive to myself...i'm scared...i'm not alone though i have my fiancee and he can help me if i could just explain what was happening but i don't want to worry him, i don't want to put more problems on him, i don't want him to think i have so many problems he can't come to me with his. i know it's hard on him and i know he thinks that i have lots of problems on my own and i don't need his but it makes me feel worse when he tells me that, makes me feel like a burden. i don't want to be a burden, i want to be able to take care of myself and not have everyone else taking care of me, i hate being take care of but i need it so horribly.
Finding Myself
as preformed by Smile Empty Soul
I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me
And i thought i found my self today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
I love this song, in lots of ways it says how i feel in others it doesn't cause the truth is that i do need him, i just wish it wasn't that i needed him so much to comfort and try to pull me out of the depression.
He's right we all have that phrase don't we...i always say "i'm sorry" cause i feel it's my fault even though it might not be necessary. i might not even be able to control it but somehow my mind construes that it's my fault and i'm good at lying to myself strangely. usually isn't that what most people have to work to do. i've told my self it's my fault and to me it is, i've told myself they'll hate me or being around me if i cry to much and so that's what i think. when it comes right down to it if i'll just tell myself the truth, i had no real control over it or there was nothing else i could have done, and they don't hate me they just want me to be okay. now i'm not saying nothings my fault but there's a lot of things that i take blame on myself for that no one would even think about giving me blame for. i hope that makes sense. it probably doesn't though cause well i'm not really making sense to myself this morning. i have this overwhelming feeling of being distraught, that's a little dramatic isn't it, i don 't mean to be. i hate dramatics and chaos in life, just makes everything a little worse.
i don't know if i'll be able to make my 10 hours today or not, but i have to, even though i just want to hide and cry. i'm sad....i'm depressed...i'm begin to be very destructive to myself...i'm scared...i'm not alone though i have my fiancee and he can help me if i could just explain what was happening but i don't want to worry him, i don't want to put more problems on him, i don't want him to think i have so many problems he can't come to me with his. i know it's hard on him and i know he thinks that i have lots of problems on my own and i don't need his but it makes me feel worse when he tells me that, makes me feel like a burden. i don't want to be a burden, i want to be able to take care of myself and not have everyone else taking care of me, i hate being take care of but i need it so horribly.
as preformed by Smile Empty Soul
I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me
And i thought i found my self today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
I love this song, in lots of ways it says how i feel in others it doesn't cause the truth is that i do need him, i just wish it wasn't that i needed him so much to comfort and try to pull me out of the depression.
2.8.07
it's been a while
it's been busy lately. i haven't had time or didn't feel like writing. i've been doing a lot of things like going to my counselor and work(imagine that), and i've been reading. I just got done with the Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan, which was great by the way! I've also read Sir Authur Conally's The Lost World recently. I am currently reading Jules Verne's A Journey to the Center of the Earth. I have lots of books I plan to read in the comming months and years too! I guess the reason I'm talking about what i'm reading right now is because back home I couldn't have read or had the money for half the books i have now or want to read and own. My mom considered them "evil" or "a door way to evil", but if you really know the difference the only way they can lead to "darkness" is if you choose to let them. Besides I like walking on the not so sunny side of life. It more often then not proves to be quite entertaining. eh, we all have different opinions. one of the other things i've been doing lately is playing video games, most of which(besides Paper Mario) would be "bad" because of magic and the like. The myths that all our imaginations, especially some of the more horrific, thrives on and loves to adapt and embellish were the things that I could not explore or indulge. Somehow, that has made me have more of an appetite for those subjects. Of course considering modern psychology it's not really a surprise, it is a natural reaction. Though I would have thought I would have grown out of it once the hunger for knowledge was quenched, wouldn't you? I suppose it really just captivates me the intricacy of it all, the ability and fluidity it give the imagination just enthralls me. sometimes i think it's strange how i love the darkness so but then in thinking how i've been alone most of my life makes me think it's not so strange after all...
9.7.07
where angels dare
i just need to type for a second if you don't' mind. i'm tired yet i still have three more hours, though all i've done is read...and write e-mails today. i was waiting all day but i suppose it's okay since no one else seems to have a problem with it. i'm trying to figure out how to do this. how to live a breath my odd schedule and stupid job. i honestly hate it. but it's a job not a career and that's okay cause it's not forever nor does it have to be. another door will open up, things will work out they always do. somehow things just move on, nothing is world ending if you don't let it be. i told you about my affirmation statements from my counselor, I have one of my own: "It's going to turn out okay, everything will be fine." It helps calm and reassure me enough for me to be calm and think logically. There's a song that ever since the first time I heard it, it has had a calming effect on me. It's a song by Clay Crosse, which I think was originally done by someone else but his version is the one that soothes me. It's called Where Angels Dare, I don't know why it soothes me, maybe it's the melody maybe it's the words but I like it, it speaks peace to me. peace is important to me, it always has been.
~*~
Where Angels Dare
as sang by Clay Crosse
as sang by Clay Crosse
Outside in a winter world
Sits a woman all alone
It's not the air that seems so cold
It's the love she's never known
Outside in a winter world
A lonely child roams
Will ever loving arms unfold
To give his soul a home
So they're living on hopes, and they're living on dreams
While the devil is pushing them to extremes
Can their spirits be strong, when for loving they long
For the day will come, when they must move on
Chorus:
Where angels dare to walk, there you must walk
Where angels dare
Outside in a winter world
There's a man who's lost his love
So many secrets left untold
Should he turn and look above
Outside in a winter world
One old man sits alone
He thinks of all the years gone by
And what little love he's known
So they're living on hopes, and they're living on dreams
While the devil is pushing them to extremes
Can their spirits be strong, when for loving they long
For the day will come, when they must move on
Where angels dare to walk, there you must walk
Where angels dare
Where angels dare to love, there you must love
Where angels dare
We all have troubles in our lives that we must face
We're all just players in this game we call the human race
The human race
6.7.07
i think i might be getting better ^.^
so i've seen my counselor twice now and i really like her. my schedule is so crazy this month though. i finally found my old journal/sketch book, which makes me so happy ^.^ it really help to have things where i can write and draw again. i'm trying not to rush myself, if i can learn that i'll be doing lots better. it will all get done. my two affirmation statements that my counselor gave me to say are:
"I am open and receptive to new avenues of income"
and
"I now receive my good from expected and unexpected sources. I am an unlimited being, accepting from an unlimited source, in an unlimited way. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams."
and
"I now receive my good from expected and unexpected sources. I am an unlimited being, accepting from an unlimited source, in an unlimited way. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams."
i like those two statements, so i thought i'd share them. ^.^
28.6.07
in pain but looking forward
today i have a blinding headache literally almost. you know how in anime, cartoons, tv shows, and movies sometimes there will be someone who get hit right above the eye and blood starts flowing. that's the way my headache feels today like there's a stabbing pain over my right eye and it's flowing down the side of my head and partial obscuring the view of my right eye. my right eye feels numb, and i'm in a lot of pain. but oh well today i get to meet with my counselor for the first time. i'm looking forward to meeting her, and talking with her, it's a first step toward getting better and back on track with my life. that's important to me and necessary. i'm having a hard time thinking though with the pain and all, it's one of my high pain levels that's no help to me ones that make every sense but taste a pain. meh, even breathing hurts when i'm like this. i would say i don't normally complain about the pain but when it's like this i do and i'm typing because focus on something hurts but it doesn't let me focus on the pain so it makes it better in some ways. hopefully the medicine i took this morning...well excedrin will kick in here in a second or two. well that's really all i have for now, i'm in pain but i'm sort of excited to meet with my new counselor this afternoon! ^.^
15.6.07
pessimistic today
bureaucratic bullshit....that's the bane of my existence. i hate it, i don't deal with it well. the "we always done it this way, this is the process and that's what we stick by" is wrong, there's always a new way to do things, oh and by the way "everyone has to vote to make it better" in other words more bureaucratic bullshit. i think that's why i hate politics, i don't even pay attention to it anymore i just ignore it cause the only way you can change it is "voting" cause that can't be tampered with or to become a part of it, and because you don't play their games you'll never be high enough in the ranks to really change any thing. i hate it, i hate how it's all about someone agenda to have power, not to help others like should be the purpose of anyone in an office of any sort of power. it should never be about the power it should be about the people...never is though cause we humans can't think about anything but ourselves, that's what we do we're selfish and no one can learn or not be selfish with out going to far the other way and giving of themselves too much. we don't know how to balance...everything in moderation...we don't ever understand that phrase. we never pay attention to it. so in conclusion life is bureaucratic bullshit. go live on an island so you don't have to deal, or just learn that people are human and wither they try to or not they will be selfish someway or another.
14.6.07
so today i'm not so emo...
i'm doing really well today...right now. i actually got some sleep last night i suppose that helps and we cleaned some last night so that helps too. strange how the little things are what changes our outlook on life sometimes.
"Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Slayer - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for."
-Jenna Boyd as Bailey in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
That quote holds true for me most days. I've struggled lately with what i believe and it's hard to unlearn everything just so you can understand the difference between what you believe and what you've been told/taught was true. i don't believe the way my parents do, not that i don't believe that there is something more then us that there is a life after death it's just that i'm not sure as a friend of mine put it, "how to quantify it." i was raised as the daughter of two pastors whom started out in baptist churches and moved on to non-denominational churches, i still believe parts of the whole that they gave me but there are things that are just not the same in my mind. faith is something everyone has, but not everyone puts they're faith in the same thing or for the same reasons or to the same extent. i'm trying to figure out how my faith "works" right now, and admittedly it's hard. i'm being stretched as never before and it's good and it's bad but it's something we all must work through, we all have to find our own heart and mind at some point in our lives, and some days it's easier than others but that life. that's what i'm learning, how to live and be myself, and not be ashamed of that person so much to hide her away from the world.
"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
-from Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
I used to live my life by basically those words, and they're wrong, i have to let people see me so they can know me, no one is going to try to know you without you giving of yourself and trying to know them too. you don't have to tell them all your secrets you just have to be real with them and people will reach out to you and be there when you need to reach out to them. That's something i thought i'd learned i thought i knew how to do that but i only did it with my "mask" on so it didn't go the way i thought it would. i felt that i was supposed to be alone but that was just because i was easier there was no risk, it didn't take as much work. people can't live like that though. people need other people. that is the only fact i can hold true currently and that's enough for now, until i can find myself, my beliefs and all that makes me, me.
13.6.07
All or Nothing
today i have realized something that most the time i either do something wholly and completely or not at all. sure there are those time i only half way do things but those don't come up as often. sometimes i wish i could half way do things, especially at work....i hate those days that all day i'm just trying to figure out how not to work...how to justify it or at least look like i'm working. they don't happen that often(as of late there have been more then usual) but they do happen. i enjoy working, it gives me something to do during the day that has a purpose and when a project is done you can have a sense of accomplishment. i'm a goal oriented person so that means a lot to me to finish something. maybe the realizations is just me wanting to be that way, or thinking that i'm that way i'm not sure nor am i sure if it's a good or a bad thing. then again maybe i just think to much. i over analyze the things in my life especially my self. most the time the analyzing helps, sometimes that's what talks me out of doing things though. silly me. i wish i could start lots of things over but i can't i'm trying and failing to accomplish silly little things like cleaning my house and keeping clothes clean and such. i can't even keep my bank account anymore, not up to date like i used to do. as always these are just ramblings but i felt they needed to be said so i stopped mulling over them. back to work
12.6.07
So I've decided to post my life here.....
these are past post that i typed up without putting them up so here they are now...this is me being overly emotional....
so i had my sob session...i suck at this ya know. doing things i hate just don't work at least not well. i wish i knew what i could do. i wish i could handle things better. i'm just typing right now in hope that it will either motivate me to work or at least let me look/sound like i'm working on something. cause I don't feel like doing this stuff today. i'm stuck, my eyes hurt from the crying, my head hurts from the dullness, my throat hurts from the need to throw up but i'm still sitting here cause i need to. most of all though my heart hurts. stupid p1...
05/18/07
i don't think this one is getting done. in fact i think that it's going to have to be taged cause i can't stay here and get it done...cause i have to pick my fiancée up he has finals tonight...i'm batting a thousand with this job and i don't know what to do about it. i can stay here till 4:30 and get it done maybe but i can't do the catia on it i don't know how. i'm insufficient to do this. i'm so mad i failed and yeah it's my fault...i was crying about how bad i felt and didn't take care of this like i should have. :^( how weird is that. that i'm not blaming anyone but me for my mistakes...aren't i suppose too. i've started doing that though lately haven't i just calling myself on things i didn't used to, maybe i am doing better. maybe i'm growing. i hope that's what it is, that i'm learning, maturing. eh maybe i'm being hopeful but then again maybe this is just the start of the changing.
05/21/07
it was much simpler then...they still have it much simpler there with a group of core to support them in the trials by fire my trial by fire isn't going so well and i have no support because i have no church to go to here and i doubt i'll find one so nonjudgmental like the last one. i can't even contact the others anymore or i don't. i'm stagnant in someways not in others tough that i used to be. they saw me as strong and someone who looked at the brighter side of things. i don't and i'm not. i'm crumbling...
i hate feeling stuck. i hate feeling like i'm gonna cry every second...why do i always do this at work never home. well sometimes home but not as much. i'm not a drafter i'm something else maybe a teacher...i like teaching and helping people. i think i'm going to have to triple major haha...math, english, secondary education. did i mention those aren't the only things i want to study? i still want to by a physicist and a historian...that's why i love this character i'm playing in our DnD game. sociology,psychology, and history some of my favorite things....and i have many degrees just like i want to. ^.^ stupid body is sick too...icky
05/29/07
________________________________________________
so i had my sob session...i suck at this ya know. doing things i hate just don't work at least not well. i wish i knew what i could do. i wish i could handle things better. i'm just typing right now in hope that it will either motivate me to work or at least let me look/sound like i'm working on something. cause I don't feel like doing this stuff today. i'm stuck, my eyes hurt from the crying, my head hurts from the dullness, my throat hurts from the need to throw up but i'm still sitting here cause i need to. most of all though my heart hurts. stupid p1...
05/18/07
________________________________________________
i don't think this one is getting done. in fact i think that it's going to have to be taged cause i can't stay here and get it done...cause i have to pick my fiancée up he has finals tonight...i'm batting a thousand with this job and i don't know what to do about it. i can stay here till 4:30 and get it done maybe but i can't do the catia on it i don't know how. i'm insufficient to do this. i'm so mad i failed and yeah it's my fault...i was crying about how bad i felt and didn't take care of this like i should have. :^( how weird is that. that i'm not blaming anyone but me for my mistakes...aren't i suppose too. i've started doing that though lately haven't i just calling myself on things i didn't used to, maybe i am doing better. maybe i'm growing. i hope that's what it is, that i'm learning, maturing. eh maybe i'm being hopeful but then again maybe this is just the start of the changing.
05/21/07
________________________________________________
it was much simpler then...they still have it much simpler there with a group of core to support them in the trials by fire my trial by fire isn't going so well and i have no support because i have no church to go to here and i doubt i'll find one so nonjudgmental like the last one. i can't even contact the others anymore or i don't. i'm stagnant in someways not in others tough that i used to be. they saw me as strong and someone who looked at the brighter side of things. i don't and i'm not. i'm crumbling...
i hate feeling stuck. i hate feeling like i'm gonna cry every second...why do i always do this at work never home. well sometimes home but not as much. i'm not a drafter i'm something else maybe a teacher...i like teaching and helping people. i think i'm going to have to triple major haha...math, english, secondary education. did i mention those aren't the only things i want to study? i still want to by a physicist and a historian...that's why i love this character i'm playing in our DnD game. sociology,psychology, and history some of my favorite things....and i have many degrees just like i want to. ^.^ stupid body is sick too...icky
05/29/07
________________________________________________
>.<
>.<
i so need a grammar check or something for my above ramblings, half of them don't make sense, but this is why they are ramblings.
30.4.07
Just For Me - Inevitably Human
i miss the people in my life. i want to do something. be someone. but i'm too lazy. i'm too much of a procrastinator to be capable of doing anything to any purpose. i'm weak, i give up and give in to easily. i'm selfish. i'm inevitably human. i suck at living life. i want to crawl in my hole and just stay there only barely being friends with people. people are content to do the same to me though. i'm still a lost little girl looking for her way and never seeming to find it. i need help but i don't know how to let anyone help, cause i don't really know what's wrong. and if i don't know what's wrong how should any one know what is or how to help me. what makes me incapable of just reaching out to people... what makes me so anti social. what makes me want the social world i shun. what am i, what purpose do i serve. i'm lacking. but how do i fill the gaps. how do i return to even a shadow of what i once was to jump on that path i once tread to be someone. was i ever on that path or am i now and i've thought i wandered away though all the time i was being lead. i feel unimportant and unnecessary. i cry because i think that will never change. i'm always sad no matter what happens. i always feel that i have come short of everything. i've fallen from what a human should be. i'm bad a being human. at living this life i am unlearned. i feel like nothing. i am broken though i'm not sure i was ever all together, or even what all together means. nothing i say or do means anything, it doesn't matter. it's not important enough to reach the eyes the ears the heart. my fiancée cares though he loves me and i love him. why does no one else think that's enough. why am i still so torn so distraught. so mixed up in the head that i feel like river thames sometime cause my head runs round like a circus in july. things that don't matter to life are what my brain feeds on the things that matter my brain shuts out, runs around and then jumps over. it seems like a deadly game i play just trying to push for more and never making any head way. it makes me suicidal sometimes to hear it to think it to know it but then i remember that i'm supposed to live. can't hurt the ones i love with my death if i don't have to. i have to live for them cause i don't live for me. i stopped that years ago. i don't think i ever have. maybe that's why i'm sad, i don't love me. can't truly be capable of loving others the right way unless you love yourself. i don't know how to do that though, i've told my self just do this and fix this and you'll be better but i never do fix this or do that. like i said i'm lazy. it's all one big circle that just goes round and round and never ends there has to be a cutting point where i choose to change and follow through that will be my defining moment and that will be the turning point but how do i get there when i'm stuck in this circle that is me. how do i change the inconsistency. i want to do all these things, i want to move up in my job, i want to know physics, and math, and history, and english, be fluent in a thousand languages, i want to be able to loose weight and wear pretty things and think i'm pretty for once in my life, i want to be a pianist that plays for royalty and sings and draws and dances. i want to know archery i want to be the best. i want give my fiancée the best of me and give him everything that he deserves for being such a wonderful man and loving me so much. i want to be like boom so kind and caring and a great leader, even though he doesn't want to be. i want to be able to understand chris' work and help with it, i want to be someone people like to be around. i want to be responsible for things and take care of them with out ignoring it. i want to be a woman of my word. i want to be strong in my faith, i want to be smart and know that i am, or at least not feel like i'm stupid all the time. i want to grow flowers around my house and not worry about them, i want to be able to keep up a house and take care of things. i want to be a better person than i am now. but i'm none of those things and far from being able to begin to be those things. i know there will always be someone better. but i still want to try to be the best. i want to swim and play volleyball and i love being outdoors but i never am. i'm not athletic though i want to be. i don't know where i could even find the time for everything i want and desire i doubt that most of them will ever be seen as a reality, in fact knowing me i doubt they'll even be tried or attempted. cause i'm in that stupid circle. nothing about or from me will ever be "epic" or "grand", and that's really what i'm looking for isn't it. to be extra ordinary, and in reality i'm barely ordinary.
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