me today >.>

i guess i just need to type right now...i don't know what else to do. i feel like crying but i think that's just the headache, the ache in my stomach and my sleepiness talking. why does it always feel like january and febuary stretch on forever. i'm so tired of the cold and the dark....in more ways then just literal. it's strange how right now i'm listening to trance music when usually with a headache the constant beat would make it worse but right now it's helping. strange how the cold i hate so much of the time i welcome when my head is pounding cause it makes me numb to the pain. funny how i can be so poetic about stupid things and so tactless when it comes to actually talking to other people. sometimes typing is the only thing i can do to get things out...writing makes me feel better somehow as if i've finally gotten everything off my chest cause well lets face it it's easier for me to say what i mean in data or on paper then in sound. sometimes i can let everything go by drawing but i don't really get the chance to do that much, i suppose i should start making time for it. i feel so off lately though that when i'm not pushing myself to do something i just want to do nothing. who am i kidding i just want to do nothing all the time. except as i sit here and wax lyrical about my odd state of being. i read all these stories about amazing things happening. about soul searing kisses, and just knowing on instinct about something amazing, about standing your ground, and about saving those you love. lets be realistic most people in the world never experience a soul searing kiss even from the one they love, it doesn't feel soul searing just precious. you don't have instincts that just say something amazing is going to happen if this keeps going, the drama doesn't play out so dramatically. normal everyday people don't have to take amazing stands or save those they love. to be groundbreaking in this current world you have to do something outlandish and i'm not capable of any of that i'm ordinary, and i don't want to be. that's what makes me sad i suppose. i will never be the girl that just thinks she's ordinary and is something amazing either...i'm just me. i'm vaguely smart, slightly pretty, oddly funny, horribly twisted, and mostly crazy in a literal sense. most people just don't know how to deal with me or relate to me. i don't like being around people really, i would be a good hermit but then i do need people because without the human interaction i just go deeper into the depression. i honestly think chris is the only reason i'm not totally insane at this point. i feel like i'm getting crazier by the day too. it really suck to realize that your going insane because you realize that's just how you think. your morbid and twisted and in normal society that's not okay. that when someone is stressed it's not normal to tell them to got to a masseuse or start cutting so they can stop freaking out. i may not be as bad as i think i am but i just don't feel all here.