in loving memory

something is wrong with me...and I know why for once. on Saturday November 24, 2007 my aunt died. she was in Texas while I live in Washington. I haven't seen her for about a year. a little less then a year ago her house went up in flames and she barely made it out. she never really recovered. she was my mother's sister and I was very close to her, I can't even speak to my mom without crying. I'm crying now. she was the only family member that I could trust that I've every really believed in. when I was younger and my mom and dad would fight she was there to comfort me, to tell me that adults were crazy sometimes even though I sort of understood. I'm heartbroken that I didn't get to see her, that I never will again. I didn't get to make to the funeral either, there was just no way. I can't help but cry and feel upset, I can't really sleep that well at night since they told me. I'm a mess. I can't concentrate on anything that I should be like work, I can't read because she loved reading so much...i break down so much and so often, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cried or felt like crap since they told me. they made sure they got in contact with me that day. I know that she's not suffering now and I'm happy for that, I'm happy that I can believe that she's in heaven...for I do believe in heaven and in God, it may not be your belief but it's mine. it keeps me sane thinking she's not truly gone from me that I will see her again when I eventually die myself.

it is strange how they always say passed away...she's dead, she's not just gone through some phase or something. I don't know it just seems odd to me how they tried to lighten the blow by using what they consider softer words. maybe that's the only way they could take to hear it though even from their own mouths.

i miss her so much, I wish I could have been there to see her one last time. I will forever keep her in my heart for she is bound to my soul as a friend and as family.

I love you Aunt Charlene with all my heart even though you are gone I will forever remember you.

just for her....

this is more about the song then the video....it's for the post to follow this.........

the darkness that is

"get used to the darkness that is"

it's what i said this morning as i stepped from one room to another and left the light off because he was sleeping. it struck me as an odd sort of phrase to come out of someone's mouth but it's what we all do all the time. we get familiar with the darkness that is. at the time i was just talking about the lights being off, but as i type i realize that we constantly start to become numb to the "darkness". just like last night when we were talking with our friends, -cancer- it's a scary horrible disease, but we say cancer now like it's nothing. yes we worry for those we know whom have it, and we would be terrified if we were cursed with it but we've become numb to the word. just like we are numb to violence and death, we are numb to things that are tragic. we talk about things that used to be taboo or something you just didn't talk about cause well you don't want to think about it because we are so familiar with the terms. you know someone who's been affected by it, who's done it, who's lived through the darkness that is. we no longer really see it as darkness though, we see it as having just a little light in the room so that we can barely see but still you see into the darkness that is. is that a good or a bad thing that we get comfortable with the darkness that is?