selfishly jealous

so frustrated right now. i never feel as if i am enough for anyone. it doesn't make sense. why do i feel this way, what makes me so dependent on others that i can't just be happy that they talk to other people that they have been with others why am i such a jealous person. that's what it really is too. jealousy that i'm not the world to them. it breaks me, and it's not that i'm not important it's just this selfishness in me that wants the world to revolve around me so completely just so i don't feel so unnecessary and unwanted. i think that's why my mind constantly wanders and creates a world where there is danger, excitement, and all around not every day life sort of circumstance; i simply feel unimportant, to those in my life and the world around me. i don't have a real purpose for existing, i think that's why i cling to the belief in the God of Christianity because i had a purpose there. i was supposed to be a martyr, a missionary to Denmark and the world, that was my calling. to be a physicist and get prayer allowed back in schools, that was my calling too. now i've just given up on it all. i want to be a physicist and i want to have my flower shop with the apartment above it where i live. i want to paint, and write, play the piano and other instruments, dance, and be able to use a bow and arrow and a sword properly. it's too big though, to out there. i wanted to teach math and english. what do i want? can i stick with any one thing? i wanted to go to Cambridge in England, now i feel as if none of it will ever happen. i feel as if i'm stuck. i can't drag Chris into all of this, these aren't his dreams, they're mine and i've given up on ever seeing them come to fruition. i love him i shouldn't feel so trapped by this and not just the relationship but by my job. i feel as if i'll be stuck with Boeing forever simply because it's safe for me. i don't feel stuck because i can't live and stand on my own two feet, i feel stuck because i don't want this to all just be about me. i want it to be both of us and all my dreams are not something that both of us care about. i don't know if Chris cares about anything anymore. he's never told me what he wants for the future it's always my dreams that we talk about. but we're supposed to do this together, everything. i feel sometimes as if it's all one sided, not the love i know Chris loves me but the other things. the responsibility, the hope for a future, the emotional baggage, every argument is all on my shoulders. i know he's here for me, i know he cares for me and loves me and supports me but that's how i feel. if it is true or not i don't know because he won't talk and when i ask him to he tells me it's not easy and he doesn't know how and all i can do is accept it. i don't want to push because i'm afraid of pushing him away. truth is though i've let him in more than anyone else i ever have i still keep him at arms length because he won't let me in. i struggle with this daily but i just now as i type this have realized it. again it may not be the whole an complete truth of the situation but it's how i feel and how it seems from my prospective. i feel as if i take and take and never give back on some things and on others i feel the reverse happens. i'm lost and trapped in my own sense of hopelessness it seems. i feel it more now the ever that my old IM name is poetic irony: lost 'n' alone. i try to explain this outside of typing and it doesn't come out right. it ends too soon and not all of it gets said or understood. i also feel that the words are too harsh and feel as if i'm betraying Chris by merely typing my doubts of our relationship much less thinking them. i don't know if he really understood why i postponed the wedding until next year. we both need to grow up i feel, i need to be less selfish and self-loathing and he needs to be more responsible and needs to care about something. i'm afraid of losing him though if i try to talk to him about the things i've typed, and afraid for us if i don't. i'm too scared of what might happen to fix this. i don't what to hurt him. every time i think of talking to him about this i remember what i told him when we first started talking about getting together, that i would hurt him. i would hate to be right. i'm also afraid of losing him to his health. i knew he had a possibly short life span going into the relationship but as i get closer to him i realize more and more just how broken i will be if he ever leaves me in any way. it's the same reason i don't fight my mum and dad on anything because i'm afraid of losing them in the last years of they're lives and never being able to take it back. i do love them but they hurt me at every turn. they "walk all over me" and i let them because i don't want the strife of it all. i don't trust them that's what makes it hurt all the more. it does no good to think about this though, Chris only gets upset when i start thinking about these things because he sees the hurt and doesn't understand why i don't just let it go. i have a habit of not just letting every thing go, of pulling the pain to me and reviling in it. it's almost as if i want it and need it to survive. i'm a masochistic bastard and that all there is to it.