quirky lil me

well i seem to be doing okay today. better then yesterday with my crying self today i'm just a little apathetic and well pessimistic. i'm beginning to feel somewhat jaded, i know i'm not really compared to a lot of people in this world but i'm beginning to believe the worst will be the outcome. eh , i guess that when i began to stop hoping for certain things when i got disappointed so many times by the things my father and other people in my family said would happen and them never even coming close to happening. to me everything is talk until it happens. it's strange that i feel that way, because some amazing things have happened in my life, such as my great grades without so much work in high school and college, my amazing job and moving over two thousand miles away from home with out paying anything out of my own pocket, and of course that i live with a man that i love and whom loves me and we'll be getting married soon. you get disappointed enough i suppose that you'll stop hoping all together no matter what happens in you life, no mater what "miracles" occur. i'm gaining some hope, learning who i can trust to follow through on what they say they'll do. trust, i swear it should be a four letter word. trust is really what i've lost i suppose, trust in my family was gone long ago, i'm learning to trust other people and how to trust them without doing so blindly. mostly i'm having to learn how to trust in myself now though and have hope in me, to believe in myself is the hardest lesson i will ever try to learn. loving my self is even harder. i'm doing better though trusting in my own decisions is helping, seeing that i can make it on my own seeing that even though i need my fiancee i could make it without him and i'm not just hanging on to him because he's my security blanket like some people thought he would be for me coming out here. i do need him and i am better off with him then without him, but i would be okay should something ever occur to part us though it would hurt like hell. i'm not saying something will, i guess i was thinking more along the lines of one of us dying when i wrote that sentence, or if we had never met. i'm so glad we did though. he's so precious to me, i'm so happy he's in my life and he's helping me to become a stronger more confident me in spite of myself. i'm trying to do the same for him though i think currently he's doing more of the work. i say that because currently i'm falling to pieces and in one of the deeper parts of my depression( i think it's deeper simply because i'm trying to claw my way out of it) so he's supporting me and holding me up even when i'm horribly mean to him. he loves me through it, not that he doesn't always love me anyways but he gets me through it by loving me and being understanding and patient with my "moodiness."

it's always so weird what topics just seem to lead me back to my own stupid problems, well i guess they're not stupid just frustrating. i started out talking about my being okay today and ended up talking about my life and hopeless/trustlessness (is that a word?) and my sweet fiancee. he can be a jerk sometimes though so i get to love him through that too. all people have their moods and their unique tendencies and quirks. hehe, i always liked the word quirky. in fact i've often thought of myself as quirky though i'm no sure i really am. ^.^

quirk·y
–adjective
having or full of quirks.

quirk
-noun
1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
4. An equivocation; a quibble.