Why can't I finish this thought? Why won't the words come to make this make sense? How can I counsel others so well and not be able to fix my own shit? I tell him what do we do if love isn't enough and he tells me we'll make it enough. How can you argue with that? Why would you want to? Why would anyone not want someone with them willing to go the distance? How do you tell them you're not sure if you can? I'm striving for something yet I don't know what that something might be. I know that I don't believe in the all consuming, firework type love. Maybe that's just because I've never known happiness but maybe it's also because it doesn't exist. So, how can I give up the closest thing I have to that, because he means the world to me. He's the strong one, that's the truth. I may be pulling him along ambition and dream wise but he pulls me together and pushes me to stand. I know we would both be okay on our own but are we better together? Are we better apart? I'm so confused. I don't know what I want, what's best for me. He would let me be and believe what ever I choose and I couldn't fault him for doing the same thing. But if those two things are so opposite where and how do I stand? How can I? Is it really that simple?
There are a lot of I statements here. Really that's what it comes down to it's my choice. I told someone today it wasn't just the fear of hurting them or being alone, it's the fear of regretting a decision. That's the fear that must be dealt with, can you make that choice and look back on it 5 days, weeks, months, or years from now and not regret it. If you can come to that place where you know you don't then the other two fears are relatively inconsequential. If you can find that place then you've come to the understanding that this is what's best for you and for them.
Shouldn't they be given a choice in all this though? Shouldn't they have a say in what's best for them? How do you give them that with out hurting them though? Should they be given the opportunity to prove you're wrong? What happens if you are wrong? What happens if your right? How do you proceed? How do you move forward?
All of these are questions I may never have an answer to. And if I should gain the answers I think I will be afraid to hear them. I'm not prepared.
