in pain but looking forward

today i have a blinding headache literally almost. you know how in anime, cartoons, tv shows, and movies sometimes there will be someone who get hit right above the eye and blood starts flowing. that's the way my headache feels today like there's a stabbing pain over my right eye and it's flowing down the side of my head and partial obscuring the view of my right eye. my right eye feels numb, and i'm in a lot of pain. but oh well today i get to meet with my counselor for the first time. i'm looking forward to meeting her, and talking with her, it's a first step toward getting better and back on track with my life. that's important to me and necessary. i'm having a hard time thinking though with the pain and all, it's one of my high pain levels that's no help to me ones that make every sense but taste a pain. meh, even breathing hurts when i'm like this. i would say i don't normally complain about the pain but when it's like this i do and i'm typing because focus on something hurts but it doesn't let me focus on the pain so it makes it better in some ways. hopefully the medicine i took this morning...well excedrin will kick in here in a second or two. well that's really all i have for now, i'm in pain but i'm sort of excited to meet with my new counselor this afternoon! ^.^

The White Stripes - The Denial Twist

Daniel Powter - Bad Day

pessimistic today

bureaucratic bullshit....that's the bane of my existence. i hate it, i don't deal with it well. the "we always done it this way, this is the process and that's what we stick by" is wrong, there's always a new way to do things, oh and by the way "everyone has to vote to make it better" in other words more bureaucratic bullshit. i think that's why i hate politics, i don't even pay attention to it anymore i just ignore it cause the only way you can change it is "voting" cause that can't be tampered with or to become a part of it, and because you don't play their games you'll never be high enough in the ranks to really change any thing. i hate it, i hate how it's all about someone agenda to have power, not to help others like should be the purpose of anyone in an office of any sort of power. it should never be about the power it should be about the people...never is though cause we humans can't think about anything but ourselves, that's what we do we're selfish and no one can learn or not be selfish with out going to far the other way and giving of themselves too much. we don't know how to balance...everything in moderation...we don't ever understand that phrase. we never pay attention to it. so in conclusion life is bureaucratic bullshit. go live on an island so you don't have to deal, or just learn that people are human and wither they try to or not they will be selfish someway or another.

Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

so today i'm not so emo...

i'm doing really well today...right now. i actually got some sleep last night i suppose that helps and we cleaned some last night so that helps too. strange how the little things are what changes our outlook on life sometimes.

"Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Slayer - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for."

-Jenna Boyd as Bailey in Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

That quote holds true for me most days. I've struggled lately with what i believe and it's hard to unlearn everything just so you can understand the difference between what you believe and what you've been told/taught was true. i don't believe the way my parents do, not that i don't believe that there is something more then us that there is a life after death it's just that i'm not sure as a friend of mine put it, "how to quantify it." i was raised as the daughter of two pastors whom started out in baptist churches and moved on to non-denominational churches, i still believe parts of the whole that they gave me but there are things that are just not the same in my mind. faith is something everyone has, but not everyone puts they're faith in the same thing or for the same reasons or to the same extent. i'm trying to figure out how my faith "works" right now, and admittedly it's hard. i'm being stretched as never before and it's good and it's bad but it's something we all must work through, we all have to find our own heart and mind at some point in our lives, and some days it's easier than others but that life. that's what i'm learning, how to live and be myself, and not be ashamed of that person so much to hide her away from the world.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

-from Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

I used to live my life by basically those words, and they're wrong, i have to let people see me so they can know me, no one is going to try to know you without you giving of yourself and trying to know them too. you don't have to tell them all your secrets you just have to be real with them and people will reach out to you and be there when you need to reach out to them. That's something i thought i'd learned i thought i knew how to do that but i only did it with my "mask" on so it didn't go the way i thought it would. i felt that i was supposed to be alone but that was just because i was easier there was no risk, it didn't take as much work. people can't live like that though. people need other people. that is the only fact i can hold true currently and that's enough for now, until i can find myself, my beliefs and all that makes me, me.

All or Nothing

today i have realized something that most the time i either do something wholly and completely or not at all. sure there are those time i only half way do things but those don't come up as often. sometimes i wish i could half way do things, especially at work....i hate those days that all day i'm just trying to figure out how not to work...how to justify it or at least look like i'm working. they don't happen that often(as of late there have been more then usual) but they do happen. i enjoy working, it gives me something to do during the day that has a purpose and when a project is done you can have a sense of accomplishment. i'm a goal oriented person so that means a lot to me to finish something. maybe the realizations is just me wanting to be that way, or thinking that i'm that way i'm not sure nor am i sure if it's a good or a bad thing. then again maybe i just think to much. i over analyze the things in my life especially my self. most the time the analyzing helps, sometimes that's what talks me out of doing things though. silly me. i wish i could start lots of things over but i can't i'm trying and failing to accomplish silly little things like cleaning my house and keeping clothes clean and such. i can't even keep my bank account anymore, not up to date like i used to do. as always these are just ramblings but i felt they needed to be said so i stopped mulling over them. back to work

So I've decided to post my life here.....

these are past post that i typed up without putting them up so here they are now...this is me being overly emotional....

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so i had my sob session...i suck at this ya know. doing things i hate just don't work at least not well. i wish i knew what i could do. i wish i could handle things better. i'm just typing right now in hope that it will either motivate me to work or at least let me look/sound like i'm working on something. cause I don't feel like doing this stuff today. i'm stuck, my eyes hurt from the crying, my head hurts from the dullness, my throat hurts from the need to throw up but i'm still sitting here cause i need to. most of all though my heart hurts. stupid p1...
05/18/07

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i don't think this one is getting done. in fact i think that it's going to have to be taged cause i can't stay here and get it done...cause i have to pick my fiancée up he has finals tonight...i'm batting a thousand with this job and i don't know what to do about it. i can stay here till 4:30 and get it done maybe but i can't do the catia on it i don't know how. i'm insufficient to do this. i'm so mad i failed and yeah it's my fault...i was crying about how bad i felt and didn't take care of this like i should have. :^( how weird is that. that i'm not blaming anyone but me for my mistakes...aren't i suppose too. i've started doing that though lately haven't i just calling myself on things i didn't used to, maybe i am doing better. maybe i'm growing. i hope that's what it is, that i'm learning, maturing. eh maybe i'm being hopeful but then again maybe this is just the start of the changing.
05/21/07

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it was much simpler then...they still have it much simpler there with a group of core to support them in the trials by fire my trial by fire isn't going so well and i have no support because i have no church to go to here and i doubt i'll find one so nonjudgmental like the last one. i can't even contact the others anymore or i don't. i'm stagnant in someways not in others tough that i used to be. they saw me as strong and someone who looked at the brighter side of things. i don't and i'm not. i'm crumbling...

i hate feeling stuck. i hate feeling like i'm gonna cry every second...why do i always do this at work never home. well sometimes home but not as much. i'm not a drafter i'm something else maybe a teacher...i like teaching and helping people. i think i'm going to have to triple major haha...math, english, secondary education. did i mention those aren't the only things i want to study? i still want to by a physicist and a historian...that's why i love this character i'm playing in our DnD game. sociology,psychology, and history some of my favorite things....and i have many degrees just like i want to. ^.^ stupid body is sick too...icky
05/29/07

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>.<

i so need a grammar check or something for my above ramblings, half of them don't make sense, but this is why they are ramblings.

Just For Me - Inevitably Human

i miss the people in my life. i want to do something. be someone. but i'm too lazy. i'm too much of a procrastinator to be capable of doing anything to any purpose. i'm weak, i give up and give in to easily. i'm selfish. i'm inevitably human. i suck at living life. i want to crawl in my hole and just stay there only barely being friends with people. people are content to do the same to me though. i'm still a lost little girl looking for her way and never seeming to find it. i need help but i don't know how to let anyone help, cause i don't really know what's wrong. and if i don't know what's wrong how should any one know what is or how to help me. what makes me incapable of just reaching out to people... what makes me so anti social. what makes me want the social world i shun. what am i, what purpose do i serve. i'm lacking. but how do i fill the gaps. how do i return to even a shadow of what i once was to jump on that path i once tread to be someone. was i ever on that path or am i now and i've thought i wandered away though all the time i was being lead. i feel unimportant and unnecessary. i cry because i think that will never change. i'm always sad no matter what happens. i always feel that i have come short of everything. i've fallen from what a human should be. i'm bad a being human. at living this life i am unlearned. i feel like nothing. i am broken though i'm not sure i was ever all together, or even what all together means. nothing i say or do means anything, it doesn't matter. it's not important enough to reach the eyes the ears the heart. my fiancée cares though he loves me and i love him. why does no one else think that's enough. why am i still so torn so distraught. so mixed up in the head that i feel like river thames sometime cause my head runs round like a circus in july. things that don't matter to life are what my brain feeds on the things that matter my brain shuts out, runs around and then jumps over. it seems like a deadly game i play just trying to push for more and never making any head way. it makes me suicidal sometimes to hear it to think it to know it but then i remember that i'm supposed to live. can't hurt the ones i love with my death if i don't have to. i have to live for them cause i don't live for me. i stopped that years ago. i don't think i ever have. maybe that's why i'm sad, i don't love me. can't truly be capable of loving others the right way unless you love yourself. i don't know how to do that though, i've told my self just do this and fix this and you'll be better but i never do fix this or do that. like i said i'm lazy. it's all one big circle that just goes round and round and never ends there has to be a cutting point where i choose to change and follow through that will be my defining moment and that will be the turning point but how do i get there when i'm stuck in this circle that is me. how do i change the inconsistency. i want to do all these things, i want to move up in my job, i want to know physics, and math, and history, and english, be fluent in a thousand languages, i want to be able to loose weight and wear pretty things and think i'm pretty for once in my life, i want to be a pianist that plays for royalty and sings and draws and dances. i want to know archery i want to be the best. i want give my fiancée the best of me and give him everything that he deserves for being such a wonderful man and loving me so much. i want to be like boom so kind and caring and a great leader, even though he doesn't want to be. i want to be able to understand chris' work and help with it, i want to be someone people like to be around. i want to be responsible for things and take care of them with out ignoring it. i want to be a woman of my word. i want to be strong in my faith, i want to be smart and know that i am, or at least not feel like i'm stupid all the time. i want to grow flowers around my house and not worry about them, i want to be able to keep up a house and take care of things. i want to be a better person than i am now. but i'm none of those things and far from being able to begin to be those things. i know there will always be someone better. but i still want to try to be the best. i want to swim and play volleyball and i love being outdoors but i never am. i'm not athletic though i want to be. i don't know where i could even find the time for everything i want and desire i doubt that most of them will ever be seen as a reality, in fact knowing me i doubt they'll even be tried or attempted. cause i'm in that stupid circle. nothing about or from me will ever be "epic" or "grand", and that's really what i'm looking for isn't it. to be extra ordinary, and in reality i'm barely ordinary.