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so i had my sob session...i suck at this ya know. doing things i hate just don't work at least not well. i wish i knew what i could do. i wish i could handle things better. i'm just typing right now in hope that it will either motivate me to work or at least let me look/sound like i'm working on something. cause I don't feel like doing this stuff today. i'm stuck, my eyes hurt from the crying, my head hurts from the dullness, my throat hurts from the need to throw up but i'm still sitting here cause i need to. most of all though my heart hurts. stupid p1...
05/18/07
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i don't think this one is getting done. in fact i think that it's going to have to be taged cause i can't stay here and get it done...cause i have to pick my fiancée up he has finals tonight...i'm batting a thousand with this job and i don't know what to do about it. i can stay here till 4:30 and get it done maybe but i can't do the catia on it i don't know how. i'm insufficient to do this. i'm so mad i failed and yeah it's my fault...i was crying about how bad i felt and didn't take care of this like i should have. :^( how weird is that. that i'm not blaming anyone but me for my mistakes...aren't i suppose too. i've started doing that though lately haven't i just calling myself on things i didn't used to, maybe i am doing better. maybe i'm growing. i hope that's what it is, that i'm learning, maturing. eh maybe i'm being hopeful but then again maybe this is just the start of the changing.
05/21/07
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it was much simpler then...they still have it much simpler there with a group of core to support them in the trials by fire my trial by fire isn't going so well and i have no support because i have no church to go to here and i doubt i'll find one so nonjudgmental like the last one. i can't even contact the others anymore or i don't. i'm stagnant in someways not in others tough that i used to be. they saw me as strong and someone who looked at the brighter side of things. i don't and i'm not. i'm crumbling...
i hate feeling stuck. i hate feeling like i'm gonna cry every second...why do i always do this at work never home. well sometimes home but not as much. i'm not a drafter i'm something else maybe a teacher...i like teaching and helping people. i think i'm going to have to triple major haha...math, english, secondary education. did i mention those aren't the only things i want to study? i still want to by a physicist and a historian...that's why i love this character i'm playing in our DnD game. sociology,psychology, and history some of my favorite things....and i have many degrees just like i want to. ^.^ stupid body is sick too...icky
05/29/07
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>.<
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i so need a grammar check or something for my above ramblings, half of them don't make sense, but this is why they are ramblings.
