Just For Me - Inevitably Human

i miss the people in my life. i want to do something. be someone. but i'm too lazy. i'm too much of a procrastinator to be capable of doing anything to any purpose. i'm weak, i give up and give in to easily. i'm selfish. i'm inevitably human. i suck at living life. i want to crawl in my hole and just stay there only barely being friends with people. people are content to do the same to me though. i'm still a lost little girl looking for her way and never seeming to find it. i need help but i don't know how to let anyone help, cause i don't really know what's wrong. and if i don't know what's wrong how should any one know what is or how to help me. what makes me incapable of just reaching out to people... what makes me so anti social. what makes me want the social world i shun. what am i, what purpose do i serve. i'm lacking. but how do i fill the gaps. how do i return to even a shadow of what i once was to jump on that path i once tread to be someone. was i ever on that path or am i now and i've thought i wandered away though all the time i was being lead. i feel unimportant and unnecessary. i cry because i think that will never change. i'm always sad no matter what happens. i always feel that i have come short of everything. i've fallen from what a human should be. i'm bad a being human. at living this life i am unlearned. i feel like nothing. i am broken though i'm not sure i was ever all together, or even what all together means. nothing i say or do means anything, it doesn't matter. it's not important enough to reach the eyes the ears the heart. my fiancée cares though he loves me and i love him. why does no one else think that's enough. why am i still so torn so distraught. so mixed up in the head that i feel like river thames sometime cause my head runs round like a circus in july. things that don't matter to life are what my brain feeds on the things that matter my brain shuts out, runs around and then jumps over. it seems like a deadly game i play just trying to push for more and never making any head way. it makes me suicidal sometimes to hear it to think it to know it but then i remember that i'm supposed to live. can't hurt the ones i love with my death if i don't have to. i have to live for them cause i don't live for me. i stopped that years ago. i don't think i ever have. maybe that's why i'm sad, i don't love me. can't truly be capable of loving others the right way unless you love yourself. i don't know how to do that though, i've told my self just do this and fix this and you'll be better but i never do fix this or do that. like i said i'm lazy. it's all one big circle that just goes round and round and never ends there has to be a cutting point where i choose to change and follow through that will be my defining moment and that will be the turning point but how do i get there when i'm stuck in this circle that is me. how do i change the inconsistency. i want to do all these things, i want to move up in my job, i want to know physics, and math, and history, and english, be fluent in a thousand languages, i want to be able to loose weight and wear pretty things and think i'm pretty for once in my life, i want to be a pianist that plays for royalty and sings and draws and dances. i want to know archery i want to be the best. i want give my fiancée the best of me and give him everything that he deserves for being such a wonderful man and loving me so much. i want to be like boom so kind and caring and a great leader, even though he doesn't want to be. i want to be able to understand chris' work and help with it, i want to be someone people like to be around. i want to be responsible for things and take care of them with out ignoring it. i want to be a woman of my word. i want to be strong in my faith, i want to be smart and know that i am, or at least not feel like i'm stupid all the time. i want to grow flowers around my house and not worry about them, i want to be able to keep up a house and take care of things. i want to be a better person than i am now. but i'm none of those things and far from being able to begin to be those things. i know there will always be someone better. but i still want to try to be the best. i want to swim and play volleyball and i love being outdoors but i never am. i'm not athletic though i want to be. i don't know where i could even find the time for everything i want and desire i doubt that most of them will ever be seen as a reality, in fact knowing me i doubt they'll even be tried or attempted. cause i'm in that stupid circle. nothing about or from me will ever be "epic" or "grand", and that's really what i'm looking for isn't it. to be extra ordinary, and in reality i'm barely ordinary.