16.12.07
15.12.07
29.11.07
in loving memory
something is wrong with me...and I know why for once. on Saturday November 24, 2007 my aunt died. she was in Texas while I live in Washington. I haven't seen her for about a year. a little less then a year ago her house went up in flames and she barely made it out. she never really recovered. she was my mother's sister and I was very close to her, I can't even speak to my mom without crying. I'm crying now. she was the only family member that I could trust that I've every really believed in. when I was younger and my mom and dad would fight she was there to comfort me, to tell me that adults were crazy sometimes even though I sort of understood. I'm heartbroken that I didn't get to see her, that I never will again. I didn't get to make to the funeral either, there was just no way. I can't help but cry and feel upset, I can't really sleep that well at night since they told me. I'm a mess. I can't concentrate on anything that I should be like work, I can't read because she loved reading so much...i break down so much and so often, I don't think a day has gone by that I haven't cried or felt like crap since they told me. they made sure they got in contact with me that day. I know that she's not suffering now and I'm happy for that, I'm happy that I can believe that she's in heaven...for I do believe in heaven and in God, it may not be your belief but it's mine. it keeps me sane thinking she's not truly gone from me that I will see her again when I eventually die myself.
it is strange how they always say passed away...she's dead, she's not just gone through some phase or something. I don't know it just seems odd to me how they tried to lighten the blow by using what they consider softer words. maybe that's the only way they could take to hear it though even from their own mouths.
i miss her so much, I wish I could have been there to see her one last time. I will forever keep her in my heart for she is bound to my soul as a friend and as family.
I love you Aunt Charlene with all my heart even though you are gone I will forever remember you.
it is strange how they always say passed away...she's dead, she's not just gone through some phase or something. I don't know it just seems odd to me how they tried to lighten the blow by using what they consider softer words. maybe that's the only way they could take to hear it though even from their own mouths.
i miss her so much, I wish I could have been there to see her one last time. I will forever keep her in my heart for she is bound to my soul as a friend and as family.
I love you Aunt Charlene with all my heart even though you are gone I will forever remember you.
just for her....
this is more about the song then the video....it's for the post to follow this.........
12.11.07
the darkness that is
"get used to the darkness that is"
it's what i said this morning as i stepped from one room to another and left the light off because he was sleeping. it struck me as an odd sort of phrase to come out of someone's mouth but it's what we all do all the time. we get familiar with the darkness that is. at the time i was just talking about the lights being off, but as i type i realize that we constantly start to become numb to the "darkness". just like last night when we were talking with our friends, -cancer- it's a scary horrible disease, but we say cancer now like it's nothing. yes we worry for those we know whom have it, and we would be terrified if we were cursed with it but we've become numb to the word. just like we are numb to violence and death, we are numb to things that are tragic. we talk about things that used to be taboo or something you just didn't talk about cause well you don't want to think about it because we are so familiar with the terms. you know someone who's been affected by it, who's done it, who's lived through the darkness that is. we no longer really see it as darkness though, we see it as having just a little light in the room so that we can barely see but still you see into the darkness that is. is that a good or a bad thing that we get comfortable with the darkness that is?
it's what i said this morning as i stepped from one room to another and left the light off because he was sleeping. it struck me as an odd sort of phrase to come out of someone's mouth but it's what we all do all the time. we get familiar with the darkness that is. at the time i was just talking about the lights being off, but as i type i realize that we constantly start to become numb to the "darkness". just like last night when we were talking with our friends, -cancer- it's a scary horrible disease, but we say cancer now like it's nothing. yes we worry for those we know whom have it, and we would be terrified if we were cursed with it but we've become numb to the word. just like we are numb to violence and death, we are numb to things that are tragic. we talk about things that used to be taboo or something you just didn't talk about cause well you don't want to think about it because we are so familiar with the terms. you know someone who's been affected by it, who's done it, who's lived through the darkness that is. we no longer really see it as darkness though, we see it as having just a little light in the room so that we can barely see but still you see into the darkness that is. is that a good or a bad thing that we get comfortable with the darkness that is?
19.10.07
...
if feels as if everything is crashing down around me. nothing seems to go quite right and i always seem to be in this state of crying and feeling horrible. i hate this. why does it feel this way not some other way. why can't everything just go right. why am i so twisted in my thinking. i don't understand. i have to change, i will. somehow someway. i'm being emo more and more lately. everything seem superficial sometimes. though nothing really is. this is only a job not a career not for me. i don't know how to make it any better. there was a man that said to me that if you hated your job it would make your whole life miserable. i'm beginning to believe him. i was doing fine till the last two weeks i thought. i'm scared of losing my job because of this, it's what i live on...what pays for everything right now. i'm the one screwing up though so whatever i'll deal somehow. i hope...
i can't think straight. so much is wrong. so much is my fault. my brain lives in a different place then i'm at...it doesn't stay in this reality most the time. i'm not a worker bee...i'm a lazy moronic something that only works well when truly creating something. i have no passion for this. i have a passion for art, for math, for writing. not for this. i detest this. dreams were put away for logic though. i knew i hated this a year before i graduated college but i don't quit things. so here i am in a good job that would be a great career but i wish i could just leave it and be capable of doing what i want. but no i'm stuck where most people are these days struggling just to make it at a job that i would rather leave. i hope it's on my own terms though. -_-
things seem so complicated most the time. they aren't but they seem to be. i need to learn to speak my mind and not be afraid, to not worry about what people think. i thought i had, i thought that's who i was, but i'm not i'm just shy quite little mouse of a girl, not a woman mind you. i'm this little kid who never grew up out of the shell she placed around herself to keep everyone out. i wish i could draw or paint or sing or play music or something good enough to make my living off of it i wish i'd gotten my teaching degree already because i think i would do better there. i'd sort of have a break sometimes. i don't know what to do though because i have no credential for anything but doing what i'm doing and, as i've said several times already, i hate what i'm doing.
i'm good at just doing what i'm told when i understand it but i'm not good at doing what i'm told when i hate it. office work as a teachers assistant was easy but not enough to live off of. and i can't go back to my family. i hated it there too. i don't really know if i should even hope for changes because i'm scared that i would end up being bored and miserable there too. strange isn't it. i don't even know if it's a logical thought pattern. no one else here seems to mind the job. they just do it. but i'm not fit for this i guess...i'm not really fit for anything.
i'm a coward. just call me chicken. paint me yellow and get it over with. that way i'll just be able to cower in my dark corner.
i can't think straight. so much is wrong. so much is my fault. my brain lives in a different place then i'm at...it doesn't stay in this reality most the time. i'm not a worker bee...i'm a lazy moronic something that only works well when truly creating something. i have no passion for this. i have a passion for art, for math, for writing. not for this. i detest this. dreams were put away for logic though. i knew i hated this a year before i graduated college but i don't quit things. so here i am in a good job that would be a great career but i wish i could just leave it and be capable of doing what i want. but no i'm stuck where most people are these days struggling just to make it at a job that i would rather leave. i hope it's on my own terms though. -_-
things seem so complicated most the time. they aren't but they seem to be. i need to learn to speak my mind and not be afraid, to not worry about what people think. i thought i had, i thought that's who i was, but i'm not i'm just shy quite little mouse of a girl, not a woman mind you. i'm this little kid who never grew up out of the shell she placed around herself to keep everyone out. i wish i could draw or paint or sing or play music or something good enough to make my living off of it i wish i'd gotten my teaching degree already because i think i would do better there. i'd sort of have a break sometimes. i don't know what to do though because i have no credential for anything but doing what i'm doing and, as i've said several times already, i hate what i'm doing.
i'm good at just doing what i'm told when i understand it but i'm not good at doing what i'm told when i hate it. office work as a teachers assistant was easy but not enough to live off of. and i can't go back to my family. i hated it there too. i don't really know if i should even hope for changes because i'm scared that i would end up being bored and miserable there too. strange isn't it. i don't even know if it's a logical thought pattern. no one else here seems to mind the job. they just do it. but i'm not fit for this i guess...i'm not really fit for anything.
i'm a coward. just call me chicken. paint me yellow and get it over with. that way i'll just be able to cower in my dark corner.
30.8.07
Apathy
ap·a·thy
–noun
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
ap·a·thy
n.
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
the reason i have put these definitions of apathy, is because that would describe how i currently am. apathetic. i don't really care to do anything, except maybe sleep. i think it might be the depression but i remember feeling this way before, just wanting to sit or rather lay in the room just looking up at the ceiling and listening to music with all the lights turned off. then just fall asleep that way. i'm tired i don't want to do anything i think cause i'm so sleepy, maybe next week after i've slept this weekend i'll be okay. i need to find something to keep my interest for a longer period of time i suppose. i need something to make i think. it'd be a temporary fix. i can't do that for a week or two though. stupid money. ^.^
i am sick today too, i wish i still had some sick time to cover today but alas i have a twelve hour day today so i will be here for a long time. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. i know i'm complaining a lot, i try not to, but here i defiantly do an extensive amount of it. i'm don't like to complain but i need to and so here's the easiest place to do it. so sorry i guess.
–noun
1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.
ap·a·thy
n.
1. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
2. Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
the reason i have put these definitions of apathy, is because that would describe how i currently am. apathetic. i don't really care to do anything, except maybe sleep. i think it might be the depression but i remember feeling this way before, just wanting to sit or rather lay in the room just looking up at the ceiling and listening to music with all the lights turned off. then just fall asleep that way. i'm tired i don't want to do anything i think cause i'm so sleepy, maybe next week after i've slept this weekend i'll be okay. i need to find something to keep my interest for a longer period of time i suppose. i need something to make i think. it'd be a temporary fix. i can't do that for a week or two though. stupid money. ^.^
i am sick today too, i wish i still had some sick time to cover today but alas i have a twelve hour day today so i will be here for a long time. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. i know i'm complaining a lot, i try not to, but here i defiantly do an extensive amount of it. i'm don't like to complain but i need to and so here's the easiest place to do it. so sorry i guess.
27.8.07
no sleep :(
maybe i need to type some so that i can stay awake today since i stayed up all night last night. chris and i just couldn't go to sleep. what's funny is we thought we could just go to sleep tonight but we forgot that today was the first time we were going to start our 2 times a week DnD sessions. right now chris is taking a nap and i'm at work, but i think i'm going to have bookoo tonight. (bookoo is a great energy drink thats mostly natural caffeine.) maybe with his nap and my energy drink we'll be okay for the game tonight. i'm not so sure though.
24.8.07
quirky lil me
well i seem to be doing okay today. better then yesterday with my crying self today i'm just a little apathetic and well pessimistic. i'm beginning to feel somewhat jaded, i know i'm not really compared to a lot of people in this world but i'm beginning to believe the worst will be the outcome. eh , i guess that when i began to stop hoping for certain things when i got disappointed so many times by the things my father and other people in my family said would happen and them never even coming close to happening. to me everything is talk until it happens. it's strange that i feel that way, because some amazing things have happened in my life, such as my great grades without so much work in high school and college, my amazing job and moving over two thousand miles away from home with out paying anything out of my own pocket, and of course that i live with a man that i love and whom loves me and we'll be getting married soon. you get disappointed enough i suppose that you'll stop hoping all together no matter what happens in you life, no mater what "miracles" occur. i'm gaining some hope, learning who i can trust to follow through on what they say they'll do. trust, i swear it should be a four letter word. trust is really what i've lost i suppose, trust in my family was gone long ago, i'm learning to trust other people and how to trust them without doing so blindly. mostly i'm having to learn how to trust in myself now though and have hope in me, to believe in myself is the hardest lesson i will ever try to learn. loving my self is even harder. i'm doing better though trusting in my own decisions is helping, seeing that i can make it on my own seeing that even though i need my fiancee i could make it without him and i'm not just hanging on to him because he's my security blanket like some people thought he would be for me coming out here. i do need him and i am better off with him then without him, but i would be okay should something ever occur to part us though it would hurt like hell. i'm not saying something will, i guess i was thinking more along the lines of one of us dying when i wrote that sentence, or if we had never met. i'm so glad we did though. he's so precious to me, i'm so happy he's in my life and he's helping me to become a stronger more confident me in spite of myself. i'm trying to do the same for him though i think currently he's doing more of the work. i say that because currently i'm falling to pieces and in one of the deeper parts of my depression( i think it's deeper simply because i'm trying to claw my way out of it) so he's supporting me and holding me up even when i'm horribly mean to him. he loves me through it, not that he doesn't always love me anyways but he gets me through it by loving me and being understanding and patient with my "moodiness."
it's always so weird what topics just seem to lead me back to my own stupid problems, well i guess they're not stupid just frustrating. i started out talking about my being okay today and ended up talking about my life and hopeless/trustlessness (is that a word?) and my sweet fiancee. he can be a jerk sometimes though so i get to love him through that too. all people have their moods and their unique tendencies and quirks. hehe, i always liked the word quirky. in fact i've often thought of myself as quirky though i'm no sure i really am. ^.^
quirk·y
–adjective
having or full of quirks.
quirk
-noun
1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
4. An equivocation; a quibble.
it's always so weird what topics just seem to lead me back to my own stupid problems, well i guess they're not stupid just frustrating. i started out talking about my being okay today and ended up talking about my life and hopeless/trustlessness (is that a word?) and my sweet fiancee. he can be a jerk sometimes though so i get to love him through that too. all people have their moods and their unique tendencies and quirks. hehe, i always liked the word quirky. in fact i've often thought of myself as quirky though i'm no sure i really am. ^.^
quirk·y
–adjective
having or full of quirks.
quirk
-noun
1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy: "Every man had his own quirks and twists" (Harriet Beecher Stowe).
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary: a quirk of fate.
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist.
4. An equivocation; a quibble.
23.8.07
little snipit
i'm so brain dead currently and i just can't get my mind to function, which isn't good at work, heck it isn't any good anywhere. meh...
what i do when i'm bored at work
i'm doing better now, as usual after a little writing/typing and some time i'm not feeling like i need to cry. i've also been focusing on this web comic though. (yeah yeah i know "omfg your reading web comics at work! ") i actually have three i'm currently keeping up with. goblins, earthsong and right now i'm getting up to date on inverloch, there all interesting. ^.^
Goblins
Earthsong
Inverloch
there's all the links to them, it'll be on the latest comic so you'll have to go back to the begining to read all of it so you understand the story except for inverloch it starts that link is for the first panel. some of them start out kinda weird then start making sense, actually all of them do. hehe, go one read some.
<3
Goblins
Earthsong
Inverloch
there's all the links to them, it'll be on the latest comic so you'll have to go back to the begining to read all of it so you understand the story except for inverloch it starts that link is for the first panel. some of them start out kinda weird then start making sense, actually all of them do. hehe, go one read some.
<3
meh
i'm not doing so well this morning. i really want to just curl up in a ball and cry. it's frustrating to have bad days like this where i feel so bad and everything seems to make it feel worse. isn't it strange how we can have such violent extremes. my days get horrible and then some days are wonderful, somethings wrong, there must be a reason i'm crying but really there's not. i could let other things be my excuse for why i'm crying today but that wouldn't be real. i'm sad for really no reason today but i just want to cry. there's a skit that dane cook does in which he talks about needing to cry all day but you just can't figure out what till later on...well i'm not that way when i have those days...i know i have to cry and i don't want to. it makes others feel bad when you cry and i've done so much of it lately. i feel guilty for being around them when i'm sad cause i don't want them to be sad or worried.
Dane Cook, The Cry
He's right we all have that phrase don't we...i always say "i'm sorry" cause i feel it's my fault even though it might not be necessary. i might not even be able to control it but somehow my mind construes that it's my fault and i'm good at lying to myself strangely. usually isn't that what most people have to work to do. i've told my self it's my fault and to me it is, i've told myself they'll hate me or being around me if i cry to much and so that's what i think. when it comes right down to it if i'll just tell myself the truth, i had no real control over it or there was nothing else i could have done, and they don't hate me they just want me to be okay. now i'm not saying nothings my fault but there's a lot of things that i take blame on myself for that no one would even think about giving me blame for. i hope that makes sense. it probably doesn't though cause well i'm not really making sense to myself this morning. i have this overwhelming feeling of being distraught, that's a little dramatic isn't it, i don 't mean to be. i hate dramatics and chaos in life, just makes everything a little worse.
i don't know if i'll be able to make my 10 hours today or not, but i have to, even though i just want to hide and cry. i'm sad....i'm depressed...i'm begin to be very destructive to myself...i'm scared...i'm not alone though i have my fiancee and he can help me if i could just explain what was happening but i don't want to worry him, i don't want to put more problems on him, i don't want him to think i have so many problems he can't come to me with his. i know it's hard on him and i know he thinks that i have lots of problems on my own and i don't need his but it makes me feel worse when he tells me that, makes me feel like a burden. i don't want to be a burden, i want to be able to take care of myself and not have everyone else taking care of me, i hate being take care of but i need it so horribly.
Finding Myself
as preformed by Smile Empty Soul
I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me
And i thought i found my self today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
I love this song, in lots of ways it says how i feel in others it doesn't cause the truth is that i do need him, i just wish it wasn't that i needed him so much to comfort and try to pull me out of the depression.
He's right we all have that phrase don't we...i always say "i'm sorry" cause i feel it's my fault even though it might not be necessary. i might not even be able to control it but somehow my mind construes that it's my fault and i'm good at lying to myself strangely. usually isn't that what most people have to work to do. i've told my self it's my fault and to me it is, i've told myself they'll hate me or being around me if i cry to much and so that's what i think. when it comes right down to it if i'll just tell myself the truth, i had no real control over it or there was nothing else i could have done, and they don't hate me they just want me to be okay. now i'm not saying nothings my fault but there's a lot of things that i take blame on myself for that no one would even think about giving me blame for. i hope that makes sense. it probably doesn't though cause well i'm not really making sense to myself this morning. i have this overwhelming feeling of being distraught, that's a little dramatic isn't it, i don 't mean to be. i hate dramatics and chaos in life, just makes everything a little worse.
i don't know if i'll be able to make my 10 hours today or not, but i have to, even though i just want to hide and cry. i'm sad....i'm depressed...i'm begin to be very destructive to myself...i'm scared...i'm not alone though i have my fiancee and he can help me if i could just explain what was happening but i don't want to worry him, i don't want to put more problems on him, i don't want him to think i have so many problems he can't come to me with his. i know it's hard on him and i know he thinks that i have lots of problems on my own and i don't need his but it makes me feel worse when he tells me that, makes me feel like a burden. i don't want to be a burden, i want to be able to take care of myself and not have everyone else taking care of me, i hate being take care of but i need it so horribly.
as preformed by Smile Empty Soul
I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me
And i thought i found my self today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you
I love this song, in lots of ways it says how i feel in others it doesn't cause the truth is that i do need him, i just wish it wasn't that i needed him so much to comfort and try to pull me out of the depression.
2.8.07
it's been a while
it's been busy lately. i haven't had time or didn't feel like writing. i've been doing a lot of things like going to my counselor and work(imagine that), and i've been reading. I just got done with the Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan, which was great by the way! I've also read Sir Authur Conally's The Lost World recently. I am currently reading Jules Verne's A Journey to the Center of the Earth. I have lots of books I plan to read in the comming months and years too! I guess the reason I'm talking about what i'm reading right now is because back home I couldn't have read or had the money for half the books i have now or want to read and own. My mom considered them "evil" or "a door way to evil", but if you really know the difference the only way they can lead to "darkness" is if you choose to let them. Besides I like walking on the not so sunny side of life. It more often then not proves to be quite entertaining. eh, we all have different opinions. one of the other things i've been doing lately is playing video games, most of which(besides Paper Mario) would be "bad" because of magic and the like. The myths that all our imaginations, especially some of the more horrific, thrives on and loves to adapt and embellish were the things that I could not explore or indulge. Somehow, that has made me have more of an appetite for those subjects. Of course considering modern psychology it's not really a surprise, it is a natural reaction. Though I would have thought I would have grown out of it once the hunger for knowledge was quenched, wouldn't you? I suppose it really just captivates me the intricacy of it all, the ability and fluidity it give the imagination just enthralls me. sometimes i think it's strange how i love the darkness so but then in thinking how i've been alone most of my life makes me think it's not so strange after all...
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