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if feels as if everything is crashing down around me. nothing seems to go quite right and i always seem to be in this state of crying and feeling horrible. i hate this. why does it feel this way not some other way. why can't everything just go right. why am i so twisted in my thinking. i don't understand. i have to change, i will. somehow someway. i'm being emo more and more lately. everything seem superficial sometimes. though nothing really is. this is only a job not a career not for me. i don't know how to make it any better. there was a man that said to me that if you hated your job it would make your whole life miserable. i'm beginning to believe him. i was doing fine till the last two weeks i thought. i'm scared of losing my job because of this, it's what i live on...what pays for everything right now. i'm the one screwing up though so whatever i'll deal somehow. i hope...

i can't think straight. so much is wrong. so much is my fault. my brain lives in a different place then i'm at...it doesn't stay in this reality most the time. i'm not a worker bee...i'm a lazy moronic something that only works well when truly creating something. i have no passion for this. i have a passion for art, for math, for writing. not for this. i detest this. dreams were put away for logic though. i knew i hated this a year before i graduated college but i don't quit things. so here i am in a good job that would be a great career but i wish i could just leave it and be capable of doing what i want. but no i'm stuck where most people are these days struggling just to make it at a job that i would rather leave. i hope it's on my own terms though. -_-

things seem so complicated most the time. they aren't but they seem to be. i need to learn to speak my mind and not be afraid, to not worry about what people think. i thought i had, i thought that's who i was, but i'm not i'm just shy quite little mouse of a girl, not a woman mind you. i'm this little kid who never grew up out of the shell she placed around herself to keep everyone out. i wish i could draw or paint or sing or play music or something good enough to make my living off of it i wish i'd gotten my teaching degree already because i think i would do better there. i'd sort of have a break sometimes. i don't know what to do though because i have no credential for anything but doing what i'm doing and, as i've said several times already, i hate what i'm doing.

i'm good at just doing what i'm told when i understand it but i'm not good at doing what i'm told when i hate it. office work as a teachers assistant was easy but not enough to live off of. and i can't go back to my family. i hated it there too. i don't really know if i should even hope for changes because i'm scared that i would end up being bored and miserable there too. strange isn't it. i don't even know if it's a logical thought pattern. no one else here seems to mind the job. they just do it. but i'm not fit for this i guess...i'm not really fit for anything.

i'm a coward. just call me chicken. paint me yellow and get it over with. that way i'll just be able to cower in my dark corner.