meh

i'm not doing so well this morning. i really want to just curl up in a ball and cry. it's frustrating to have bad days like this where i feel so bad and everything seems to make it feel worse. isn't it strange how we can have such violent extremes. my days get horrible and then some days are wonderful, somethings wrong, there must be a reason i'm crying but really there's not. i could let other things be my excuse for why i'm crying today but that wouldn't be real. i'm sad for really no reason today but i just want to cry. there's a skit that dane cook does in which he talks about needing to cry all day but you just can't figure out what till later on...well i'm not that way when i have those days...i know i have to cry and i don't want to. it makes others feel bad when you cry and i've done so much of it lately. i feel guilty for being around them when i'm sad cause i don't want them to be sad or worried.

Dane Cook, The Cry


He's right we all have that phrase don't we...i always say "i'm sorry" cause i feel it's my fault even though it might not be necessary. i might not even be able to control it but somehow my mind construes that it's my fault and i'm good at lying to myself strangely. usually isn't that what most people have to work to do. i've told my self it's my fault and to me it is, i've told myself they'll hate me or being around me if i cry to much and so that's what i think. when it comes right down to it if i'll just tell myself the truth, i had no real control over it or there was nothing else i could have done, and they don't hate me they just want me to be okay. now i'm not saying nothings my fault but there's a lot of things that i take blame on myself for that no one would even think about giving me blame for. i hope that makes sense. it probably doesn't though cause well i'm not really making sense to myself this morning. i have this overwhelming feeling of being distraught, that's a little dramatic isn't it, i don 't mean to be. i hate dramatics and chaos in life, just makes everything a little worse.

i don't know if i'll be able to make my 10 hours today or not, but i have to, even though i just want to hide and cry. i'm sad....i'm depressed...i'm begin to be very destructive to myself...i'm scared...i'm not alone though i have my fiancee and he can help me if i could just explain what was happening but i don't want to worry him, i don't want to put more problems on him, i don't want him to think i have so many problems he can't come to me with his. i know it's hard on him and i know he thinks that i have lots of problems on my own and i don't need his but it makes me feel worse when he tells me that, makes me feel like a burden. i don't want to be a burden, i want to be able to take care of myself and not have everyone else taking care of me, i hate being take care of but i need it so horribly.

Finding Myself
as preformed by Smile Empty Soul

I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore....the real me

And i thought i found my self today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

All these tears that I've cried
You must be tired of taking care of me but
Its what you do best and
I'm a liar cause really its what I need

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe its change that set you free
Free....

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

I love this song, in lots of ways it says how i feel in others it doesn't cause the truth is that i do need him, i just wish it wasn't that i needed him so much to comfort and try to pull me out of the depression.