Steven Curtis Chapman - Waiting for Lightning

Mercy Me - The Love of God

This is for my Dad. It's his favorite song.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

Sugarcult - Pretty Girl (The Way)

Far - Pony (tVD Delena)

This video simply makes me happy mostly because this is my favorite couple to ship. Not to mention this song gives lovely mental images. =p

Good with Grenades - Bruises and Bite Marks

For some strange reason this reminds me of a friend of mine.

(italics implies sarcasm)

My Give a Damn's Busted

Just Live

We're going to be okay. Whatever may come we'll face it together. I finally just talked to him. Even though I'm sad about the fact that he believes his life is over until we can find some way to clear all of our debt. I get that, mine is too until we can. So, I have to go back into the field I hate because we need money and that's the easiest way to get it. After that both of us can go back to school, me a little longer than him just because I want to study more things but we'll do it standing side by side. I think even if I find my way back to God we'll be okay because we work. As disfunctional as we are we work.

Odd how one conversation with him quells most of the turmoil inside me. I still think I need to be broken there is no doubt of that but I think he'll be the one to pick up the pieces when it all comes back around.

In a lot of ways this changes nothing. That sounds wrong but it's true, my world is just set upright once again instead of being all tilty. I am still one piece of a soul that I have found two other parts to. I will still cultivate and grow those relationships and simply live the lesson he continually teaches me. Just live, let life take you where your going. Don't worry about the future you might not have one and you are probably worried for nothing. Just live.

That's what he taught me. It's so similar to a message that God gave my father years ago. Just be. I think, for a while at least I've gotten my head back on straight enough to remember what it's like to live that way.

The depression still presides. That's something I need to work through there is no doubt. I'm no longer as shattered as I was though.

Maybe I have been broken to some degree. I was bottling up things and storing them inside until I burst at the seams and just talked with him and he picked me up and put me together again. I'm not whole but the patches will hold for now.

Maybe that's the ending to my previous entry:

Love is picking up the pieces time and again, no matter how many times it takes. Love is working through the crap to find what works. Real true love is standing side by side on equal footing despite the differences of religion, background, and opinions. Love is just seeing what happens.

Questions...Doubts

Why can't I finish this thought? Why won't the words come to make this make sense? How can I counsel others so well and not be able to fix my own shit? I tell him what do we do if love isn't enough and he tells me we'll make it enough. How can you argue with that? Why would you want to? Why would anyone not want someone with them willing to go the distance? How do you tell them you're not sure if you can? I'm striving for something yet I don't know what that something might be. I know that I don't believe in the all consuming, firework type love. Maybe that's just because I've never known happiness but maybe it's also because it doesn't exist. So, how can I give up the closest thing I have to that, because he means the world to me. He's the strong one, that's the truth. I may be pulling him along ambition and dream wise but he pulls me together and pushes me to stand. I know we would both be okay on our own but are we better together? Are we better apart? I'm so confused. I don't know what I want, what's best for me. He would let me be and believe what ever I choose and I couldn't fault him for doing the same thing. But if those two things are so opposite where and how do I stand? How can I? Is it really that simple?

There are a lot of I statements here. Really that's what it comes down to it's my choice. I told someone today it wasn't just the fear of hurting them or being alone, it's the fear of regretting a decision. That's the fear that must be dealt with, can you make that choice and look back on it 5 days, weeks, months, or years from now and not regret it. If you can come to that place where you know you don't then the other two fears are relatively inconsequential. If you can find that place then you've come to the understanding that this is what's best for you and for them.

Shouldn't they be given a choice in all this though? Shouldn't they have a say in what's best for them? How do you give them that with out hurting them though? Should they be given the opportunity to prove you're wrong? What happens if you are wrong? What happens if your right? How do you proceed? How do you move forward?

All of these are questions I may never have an answer to. And if I should gain the answers I think I will be afraid to hear them. I'm not prepared.

Love (unfinished)

I need to redefine my definition of love. Love is still what happens. It is an action without true measure. What I must redefine is the love between you and your life partner or partners whatever the case may be. First, I must break a few ideas that have been poured into us all of our lives. True love does not mean that they are your everything that my friends is obsession. They are not supposed to complete you, you must be whole in and of your selves for this partnership to work successfully. That insane automatic attraction is a rush of chemicals and a rush of lust neither of which a real relationship can be built upon. You don't need to want to be with them always they just need to be the person you turn to in good times and bad who will stand with you and let you stand with them. Real love means loving people for their faults, quirks, and weaknesses.

Outpouring of My Soul

I feel a little out of place today. I'm not sure why but 'tis true.

In my darker days I feel alone though that is a strange feeling to have when I am the most connected I have ever been to anyone. I hurt those that get closer than arms length and I'm fighting every instinct not to do that again. I don't harm them physically I scar them emotionally by turning on them the moment they try to reach for more. I act indifferent and cool to those I have previously been so warm to. They don't understand and in the end become just as wary of letting people close as I and never want to try that again with me. Most of the time separating themselves completely from me.

Perhaps this is why I feel the lack of emotions, or the lack of being able to process them would be more accurate. They don't register inside me though I know the correct responses. I can't really explain it. Maybe it is just that I feel the depression more than I feel anything else so it overwhelms and contorts about me to make me not feel anything but the pain and sadness that I am wrapped in day in and day out despite the good things that happen.

When did I become depressed? I don't remember ever feeling anything. As far as I can remember I have always been in this state. Does that mean I have been depressed since I was a child? Obviously some periods of time were worse than others but could that time frame be right? How can anyone be so sad for so long? What could possibly have made a child like that? No my childhood was not normal; I was never truly a child. There were bad things that happened but does just that make the depression that I now know and am aware of in a suffocating way? I am detached from my moral compass, detached from my emotions, detached from the piece of every human that makes them so, detached from an understanding that makes you hope.

Perhaps that is the worst of all, for how can you keep living with out hope. What do you live for without it? How have I continued on and pressed forward without that base thing that all human hold so close to them? What am I if I am without hope? Can I truly be called human? I suppose I can what makes us human is our free will, the ability to make choices. But what good are those choices with out a hope that there is something bigger, better, more suited to our dreams. How do I have dreams without hope? Maybe I am not as fully disconnected from it as I think perhaps I feel more than is there. Can that be true? Can the constant disconnect be exacerbated by that suffocating pain?

Who and what am I? This is the question that we all live our lives trying to figure out. This is a journey question; one that leads us to new ones that define, shape, and mold us. Why does it feel like such a life and death question to me? These questions are make or break.

I'm so used to having to stand strong and be a pillar to all those around me. I told someone the truth the other night though, I want to be broken. I think that if I fall and shatter, the pieces that are picked up and patched together would be better than the person I am now. I want to struggle and fight and be broken by someone else's will. Then I want to find my strength again and be better for being broken in that way. My will has been test to it's limits so I'm unsure if anyone will ever push that far. I may be doomed to floatieness. For that is what I have learned to do; just float along with no reason or purpose but survival.

Do I have a survival instinct? You know the part of you that strives for self preservation. My previous wish of being broken seems to be counter to that. The way I enjoy pain seems to be opposite to that as well.

Yes, I enjoy pain it has been my constant throughout my life so instead of finding a way out I learned to make lemonade. It's a jaded and beautiful thing to find pleasure of all kinds in pain. Never fully from the pain of others mostly just in my own pain and twistedness. I'm a demented creature whatever I am. Still I am me and I'm unsure if I could ever exist any other way.

How do you break someone who walks about as a torn and tattered rag doll but still stands as if nothing is wrong? What would it take to break me? Love? More pain? Passion? Intensity? Weakness? Truth? Life? Death? Compassion? Hate? What can break a twisted thing? Is my wish impossible? Does anyone have the will to do so?

The one I thought would do it got farther than most but stopped trying when he felt he'd gotten far enough to really see me. He does see me but I'm still intact, the shell and distance remains.

I have taken another like me far in past that shell without question or thought. She is me. There are still layers separating us but they are far fewer than I have ever put between me and someone else. I am sure that with time even those will go just as quickly. There are somethings that only time can accomplish.

There is another who holds her and is held dear by her that could break me if he so wished for he is the one I told of my wish to be broken. I doubt he will though. I am a new friend to him with an attachment that I am as of yet unsure of because our friendship just sparked. He, in a different way, is me too. I keep wanting to write that I am nothing to him, but I am unsure of that statement because from what I can tell he seems to care to some extent. As I said though the friendship is new and relatively undeveloped.

I will be my own undoing though in the end and because it will be me breaking myself I don't know if I'll be able to find that strength again to patch the pieces and float again. Perhaps the two other pieces of me will be able to do the patching for me though.

It's such a strange thought to me to depend on others, I have forgotten how. I have taught myself not to because it never ends well. Just the thought makes me want to rebel, and push away, cut the ties. But it hurts to think of doing that because as I have stated I don't make clean cuts when I break away. I don't want them hurt, more so than usual. None of those that I have spoken of in this diatribe.

Paradox, that's what my friend called me. He had no idea how true that would become for me. I am as I have said many times the most extroverted introvert you will ever meet. I am the sweetest and the cruelest. The peacemaker prone to violence. I am the ambitious without purpose. I am the promise and the threat. There is no denying that. My dream job should have told me that. This is a horrible statement to make but I want to be a florist and an assassin. How opposite can you be? Well I am chaotic neutral after all.

Now after this pouring out of my soul you'd think I could move on or have some change happen because I suddenly realize how fucked up I am. Yeah, not happening. I will still float aimlessly across time until my breaking either by myself or someone else.

Perhaps I should end this dramatically though. Maybe, if I'm lucky, instead of having to pick up the pieces and find my strength again once I am broken, maybe this breaking will just kill me instead. Ha ha.

Sleepy Belief System Epiphany

I'm currently having an epiphany How could a being that never changes create a race that evolves and grows and adapts? Why wouldn't that being be capable of the same thing? Couldn't he change what he wants what he is willing to let us have and do and be depending on how we change and grow? Is it possible that homosexuality is like (to quote Lamb by Chris Moore) bacon? In that book Joshua (Jesus to us English speaking idiots) finds that the laws that the Jewish people have been living by are changing that his Father had really given them the laws they had as a guide for that time but he was a catalyst to change everything the knew and believed. Is it possible that God could do that again? Not send his son to die for us, He's completed that part, but could it be time for us to stop living by the old guide lines again? As I look back at most (if not all I need to do research) of the law that the Jews lived by it was beneficial to their heath or way of living in some way. Is it possible that the rules start changing as we become capable of dealing, as a race...rather species, with what before we couldn't handle?

The only thing I think doesn't change is the Ten Commandments...when and where did that add in no same sex couples? I see God telling us not to follow any one but Him (jealous and possessive much....I think so but He admits it so whatever). He says not to use His name in vain...personally that sounds like "Don't call on me just to whine about shit". Next up we're told to take a day off....OMG we actually have to rest and let everyone else rest too. Holy crap! We're supposed to honor our parents, which makes sense cause we'll heck those people put a roof over your head and food on the table why wouldn't you show your appreciation. (If we were all taught this crap and lived by it maybe there wouldn't be people that can find exception to that.) Now, we get to the good stuff, no murdering, not adultery, no stealing, no lying about something you supposedly saw someone else do (fucking rumormongers), and no coveting. That's all, those ten thing and we're good, if it isn't in there I think it's subject to change as He sees fit.

I think the first five books of the Bible are the part we're supposed to live by and keep, the rest is there so we can know how stuff changed what brought us here to this point so that we can know that when things start to change again we'll know we can make it through, that this too shall pass. People aren't ready to here this yet, Christians may never be ready for this. I equate them to the Sanhedrin of Joshua's day, stuck to the rules and laws of the past because that's what we've done for the past thousand years so it should keep being true now. Wrong! As I've stated before we grow we change as a species we become more adaptive. Why don't we do it again, why don't we adapt and change to our new world? That sound blasphemous doesn't it? Isn't that what they said Joshua was? He was a revolutionary, a visionary. God had to send His son because well Joshua had to die as the final sacrifice for there to be a shift then and I think everyone else would have been too scared to make people make the shift to even suggest it would have been madness. John the Baptist did it though he prepared the way for Joshua to say "Fuck what those stuck up snobs have been telling you all your life and follow what I'm saying because change is coming." There were so many changes then too that it had to be someone really important for anyone to accept.

For years I've been hear that change is on the way and I don't think it means what all the "Faith" preachers have been thinking it means. I know that I've hit on the fact that this includes homosexuality a lot but its the main issue I really see changing right now I honestly believe that God has lifted that ban for this day and age. We're more equipped to handle the things that come with same sex couples now. The health and life complication that come with having that community including those who would over indulge. I don't think God ever condemned someone who was in the past to Hell by any means. I mean I'm sure not every Jew could resist the smell of Bacon all the time and He accepted them as long as they worshiped and loved Him. Our medicines and the knowledge we were gaining at the time helped them deal with the over indulgent gluttonous bastards so God said "Have a pig feast if ya like."

Heck, you don't even have to be a Jew since Joshua's time and I don't think God condemned all of those people who weren't Jewish before His son was here. Just like now I believe God doesn't condemn someone that has never read the Bible as long as they have some sense of Him and what is right and wrong (see ten commandments.) why should He?

The other issue that I believe needs to change is the science vs. religion debate. Fuck, people God gave us science so we could grow and learn and so He could change shit up on us. I'm about to break your brains: Evolution and Creationism can work together. We don't know what happened back then only what has happened since but we can see that we have become different from what we used to be. Our world and the way it works has changed just as it is now. The poles are shifting and the climates are changing. We don't know what animals God originally put here or what our original ancestors Adam and Eve looked like. They probably weren't human in the sense we think of humans except having a bone structure including ribs because that's all we know of them.

God originally created perfection, but maybe that was the first time He used Lucifer as a instrument of his plans. He was the first sacrifice that we know of in these phases that the world is supposed to go through. Come on people haven't you ever questioned how a being without free will suddenly defies his maker? And He couldn't let that sacrifice go unrewarded so he sent another third of his angels with Lucifer so he'd never be alone. Never was Lucifer's ability to make music taken away. He is a loving God after all why would He strip one who had given so much up for Him of everything. Evil had to be introduced into the world for Good to abound. There is no light without the darkness. Why would God have put the tree there in the first place if it wasn't just another catalyst to make the first shift humans would have to go through. We don't know how long they lived in that perfect garden or when the tree was created and grew within. All we know is that perfect world was changed and entropy and evolution began then in earnest. Eve didn't sin first Cain did, she was just the second catalyst in our history spurned on by our first. What was done though was against the law at the time though and had to be punished just like Lucifer before her, just like Joshua after them perhaps this is why he asked if he had been forsaken. By committing an act against God's never changing rules Cain "sinned" and is the original "sinner". First he coveted the love and gentleness Able had then he murdered him. Both acts are against the ten commandment, though they were not set in stone at the time I'm sure they were a work in progress for God. He probably had to watch and see what happened first and see where His boundaries lied before saying "No, you can't do these things ever, eventually I'll let you do these things."

God after all, I believe, is a scientist. He sets up, experiments, watches, sets controls, introduces new variables, and is very protective of His project. Ah, the meaning of life, we're on big science experiment for an infinite being. We're not the first, we won't be His last but I believe we are His favorite or He wouldn't have allowed Joshua to become one of us and to die just to be one of our catalyst if not. Joshua must have been very adventurous to want the human experience as well.

I find it interesting that one of the things that the ten commandments also doesn't address that we've heard Christians preach about time and time again is sex before marriage. I jump to this topic for two reasons. One, it goes along with my if we are physically (health wise) and socially (life style wise) capable of handling something, even when it's over indulged in, that was banned before God lifts said ban at some point and says "Have at." Secondly, (and another brain break is imminent here) Joshua was perfect, as in he never sinned, I believe that means he never broke one of the ten commandments. Saying that, Joshua could have had sex, been married, the whole shebang. Heck, and this is really gonna make your brain hurt, Joshua could have had a "gay" lover. I know, I know, now you have to burn me at the stake or something equally as awful but it stands to reason that he still would have been living a life without "sin" and have done these things. Just because they weren't written about at the time doesn't mean it didn't happen. In all likelihood it is just one of those things that we wouldn't have been able to handle it at the time. I mean come on, we can eat bacon, not be a Jew, count women as equals and God still loves us types of changes are happening at the time, though the women part takes a while to really set in, we're in change overload. No way we could have handled all of that. Obviously God keeps His secrets too but as the scientist controlling the whole thing I guess that makes sense.

I'm about to step on more then just Christian toes now, but couldn't have God have created many different religions and showed Himself to many different people in the way they would accept it. I think that statement goes back to what I said about God accepting people who hadn't read the Bible or who weren't Jews. The Jew just happened to be the people who could accept God head on without an image of what He looked like or who he was, they were the ones who could deal with the change when the catalyst of Joshua came along. He showed himself to other people as the spirits of the earth, through prophets (visionaries) like Gandhi, Muhammad, Confucius and so many more through out our histories, as our ancestors watching over us, and I'm sure there are other ways but all of them where how the people at the time could accept Him and would worship and love Him as He requires of all of us. The same restrictions apply to us all the Ten commandments are just the version I am familiar with I know that the core a base beliefs are all roughly the same in every religion though. They all basically boil down to this, love God and respect each other. What's so hard about that to understand?

selfishly jealous

so frustrated right now. i never feel as if i am enough for anyone. it doesn't make sense. why do i feel this way, what makes me so dependent on others that i can't just be happy that they talk to other people that they have been with others why am i such a jealous person. that's what it really is too. jealousy that i'm not the world to them. it breaks me, and it's not that i'm not important it's just this selfishness in me that wants the world to revolve around me so completely just so i don't feel so unnecessary and unwanted. i think that's why my mind constantly wanders and creates a world where there is danger, excitement, and all around not every day life sort of circumstance; i simply feel unimportant, to those in my life and the world around me. i don't have a real purpose for existing, i think that's why i cling to the belief in the God of Christianity because i had a purpose there. i was supposed to be a martyr, a missionary to Denmark and the world, that was my calling. to be a physicist and get prayer allowed back in schools, that was my calling too. now i've just given up on it all. i want to be a physicist and i want to have my flower shop with the apartment above it where i live. i want to paint, and write, play the piano and other instruments, dance, and be able to use a bow and arrow and a sword properly. it's too big though, to out there. i wanted to teach math and english. what do i want? can i stick with any one thing? i wanted to go to Cambridge in England, now i feel as if none of it will ever happen. i feel as if i'm stuck. i can't drag Chris into all of this, these aren't his dreams, they're mine and i've given up on ever seeing them come to fruition. i love him i shouldn't feel so trapped by this and not just the relationship but by my job. i feel as if i'll be stuck with Boeing forever simply because it's safe for me. i don't feel stuck because i can't live and stand on my own two feet, i feel stuck because i don't want this to all just be about me. i want it to be both of us and all my dreams are not something that both of us care about. i don't know if Chris cares about anything anymore. he's never told me what he wants for the future it's always my dreams that we talk about. but we're supposed to do this together, everything. i feel sometimes as if it's all one sided, not the love i know Chris loves me but the other things. the responsibility, the hope for a future, the emotional baggage, every argument is all on my shoulders. i know he's here for me, i know he cares for me and loves me and supports me but that's how i feel. if it is true or not i don't know because he won't talk and when i ask him to he tells me it's not easy and he doesn't know how and all i can do is accept it. i don't want to push because i'm afraid of pushing him away. truth is though i've let him in more than anyone else i ever have i still keep him at arms length because he won't let me in. i struggle with this daily but i just now as i type this have realized it. again it may not be the whole an complete truth of the situation but it's how i feel and how it seems from my prospective. i feel as if i take and take and never give back on some things and on others i feel the reverse happens. i'm lost and trapped in my own sense of hopelessness it seems. i feel it more now the ever that my old IM name is poetic irony: lost 'n' alone. i try to explain this outside of typing and it doesn't come out right. it ends too soon and not all of it gets said or understood. i also feel that the words are too harsh and feel as if i'm betraying Chris by merely typing my doubts of our relationship much less thinking them. i don't know if he really understood why i postponed the wedding until next year. we both need to grow up i feel, i need to be less selfish and self-loathing and he needs to be more responsible and needs to care about something. i'm afraid of losing him though if i try to talk to him about the things i've typed, and afraid for us if i don't. i'm too scared of what might happen to fix this. i don't what to hurt him. every time i think of talking to him about this i remember what i told him when we first started talking about getting together, that i would hurt him. i would hate to be right. i'm also afraid of losing him to his health. i knew he had a possibly short life span going into the relationship but as i get closer to him i realize more and more just how broken i will be if he ever leaves me in any way. it's the same reason i don't fight my mum and dad on anything because i'm afraid of losing them in the last years of they're lives and never being able to take it back. i do love them but they hurt me at every turn. they "walk all over me" and i let them because i don't want the strife of it all. i don't trust them that's what makes it hurt all the more. it does no good to think about this though, Chris only gets upset when i start thinking about these things because he sees the hurt and doesn't understand why i don't just let it go. i have a habit of not just letting every thing go, of pulling the pain to me and reviling in it. it's almost as if i want it and need it to survive. i'm a masochistic bastard and that all there is to it.

me today >.>

i guess i just need to type right now...i don't know what else to do. i feel like crying but i think that's just the headache, the ache in my stomach and my sleepiness talking. why does it always feel like january and febuary stretch on forever. i'm so tired of the cold and the dark....in more ways then just literal. it's strange how right now i'm listening to trance music when usually with a headache the constant beat would make it worse but right now it's helping. strange how the cold i hate so much of the time i welcome when my head is pounding cause it makes me numb to the pain. funny how i can be so poetic about stupid things and so tactless when it comes to actually talking to other people. sometimes typing is the only thing i can do to get things out...writing makes me feel better somehow as if i've finally gotten everything off my chest cause well lets face it it's easier for me to say what i mean in data or on paper then in sound. sometimes i can let everything go by drawing but i don't really get the chance to do that much, i suppose i should start making time for it. i feel so off lately though that when i'm not pushing myself to do something i just want to do nothing. who am i kidding i just want to do nothing all the time. except as i sit here and wax lyrical about my odd state of being. i read all these stories about amazing things happening. about soul searing kisses, and just knowing on instinct about something amazing, about standing your ground, and about saving those you love. lets be realistic most people in the world never experience a soul searing kiss even from the one they love, it doesn't feel soul searing just precious. you don't have instincts that just say something amazing is going to happen if this keeps going, the drama doesn't play out so dramatically. normal everyday people don't have to take amazing stands or save those they love. to be groundbreaking in this current world you have to do something outlandish and i'm not capable of any of that i'm ordinary, and i don't want to be. that's what makes me sad i suppose. i will never be the girl that just thinks she's ordinary and is something amazing either...i'm just me. i'm vaguely smart, slightly pretty, oddly funny, horribly twisted, and mostly crazy in a literal sense. most people just don't know how to deal with me or relate to me. i don't like being around people really, i would be a good hermit but then i do need people because without the human interaction i just go deeper into the depression. i honestly think chris is the only reason i'm not totally insane at this point. i feel like i'm getting crazier by the day too. it really suck to realize that your going insane because you realize that's just how you think. your morbid and twisted and in normal society that's not okay. that when someone is stressed it's not normal to tell them to got to a masseuse or start cutting so they can stop freaking out. i may not be as bad as i think i am but i just don't feel all here.

Bitter Sweet Symphony