selfishly jealous

so frustrated right now. i never feel as if i am enough for anyone. it doesn't make sense. why do i feel this way, what makes me so dependent on others that i can't just be happy that they talk to other people that they have been with others why am i such a jealous person. that's what it really is too. jealousy that i'm not the world to them. it breaks me, and it's not that i'm not important it's just this selfishness in me that wants the world to revolve around me so completely just so i don't feel so unnecessary and unwanted. i think that's why my mind constantly wanders and creates a world where there is danger, excitement, and all around not every day life sort of circumstance; i simply feel unimportant, to those in my life and the world around me. i don't have a real purpose for existing, i think that's why i cling to the belief in the God of Christianity because i had a purpose there. i was supposed to be a martyr, a missionary to Denmark and the world, that was my calling. to be a physicist and get prayer allowed back in schools, that was my calling too. now i've just given up on it all. i want to be a physicist and i want to have my flower shop with the apartment above it where i live. i want to paint, and write, play the piano and other instruments, dance, and be able to use a bow and arrow and a sword properly. it's too big though, to out there. i wanted to teach math and english. what do i want? can i stick with any one thing? i wanted to go to Cambridge in England, now i feel as if none of it will ever happen. i feel as if i'm stuck. i can't drag Chris into all of this, these aren't his dreams, they're mine and i've given up on ever seeing them come to fruition. i love him i shouldn't feel so trapped by this and not just the relationship but by my job. i feel as if i'll be stuck with Boeing forever simply because it's safe for me. i don't feel stuck because i can't live and stand on my own two feet, i feel stuck because i don't want this to all just be about me. i want it to be both of us and all my dreams are not something that both of us care about. i don't know if Chris cares about anything anymore. he's never told me what he wants for the future it's always my dreams that we talk about. but we're supposed to do this together, everything. i feel sometimes as if it's all one sided, not the love i know Chris loves me but the other things. the responsibility, the hope for a future, the emotional baggage, every argument is all on my shoulders. i know he's here for me, i know he cares for me and loves me and supports me but that's how i feel. if it is true or not i don't know because he won't talk and when i ask him to he tells me it's not easy and he doesn't know how and all i can do is accept it. i don't want to push because i'm afraid of pushing him away. truth is though i've let him in more than anyone else i ever have i still keep him at arms length because he won't let me in. i struggle with this daily but i just now as i type this have realized it. again it may not be the whole an complete truth of the situation but it's how i feel and how it seems from my prospective. i feel as if i take and take and never give back on some things and on others i feel the reverse happens. i'm lost and trapped in my own sense of hopelessness it seems. i feel it more now the ever that my old IM name is poetic irony: lost 'n' alone. i try to explain this outside of typing and it doesn't come out right. it ends too soon and not all of it gets said or understood. i also feel that the words are too harsh and feel as if i'm betraying Chris by merely typing my doubts of our relationship much less thinking them. i don't know if he really understood why i postponed the wedding until next year. we both need to grow up i feel, i need to be less selfish and self-loathing and he needs to be more responsible and needs to care about something. i'm afraid of losing him though if i try to talk to him about the things i've typed, and afraid for us if i don't. i'm too scared of what might happen to fix this. i don't what to hurt him. every time i think of talking to him about this i remember what i told him when we first started talking about getting together, that i would hurt him. i would hate to be right. i'm also afraid of losing him to his health. i knew he had a possibly short life span going into the relationship but as i get closer to him i realize more and more just how broken i will be if he ever leaves me in any way. it's the same reason i don't fight my mum and dad on anything because i'm afraid of losing them in the last years of they're lives and never being able to take it back. i do love them but they hurt me at every turn. they "walk all over me" and i let them because i don't want the strife of it all. i don't trust them that's what makes it hurt all the more. it does no good to think about this though, Chris only gets upset when i start thinking about these things because he sees the hurt and doesn't understand why i don't just let it go. i have a habit of not just letting every thing go, of pulling the pain to me and reviling in it. it's almost as if i want it and need it to survive. i'm a masochistic bastard and that all there is to it.

me today >.>

i guess i just need to type right now...i don't know what else to do. i feel like crying but i think that's just the headache, the ache in my stomach and my sleepiness talking. why does it always feel like january and febuary stretch on forever. i'm so tired of the cold and the dark....in more ways then just literal. it's strange how right now i'm listening to trance music when usually with a headache the constant beat would make it worse but right now it's helping. strange how the cold i hate so much of the time i welcome when my head is pounding cause it makes me numb to the pain. funny how i can be so poetic about stupid things and so tactless when it comes to actually talking to other people. sometimes typing is the only thing i can do to get things out...writing makes me feel better somehow as if i've finally gotten everything off my chest cause well lets face it it's easier for me to say what i mean in data or on paper then in sound. sometimes i can let everything go by drawing but i don't really get the chance to do that much, i suppose i should start making time for it. i feel so off lately though that when i'm not pushing myself to do something i just want to do nothing. who am i kidding i just want to do nothing all the time. except as i sit here and wax lyrical about my odd state of being. i read all these stories about amazing things happening. about soul searing kisses, and just knowing on instinct about something amazing, about standing your ground, and about saving those you love. lets be realistic most people in the world never experience a soul searing kiss even from the one they love, it doesn't feel soul searing just precious. you don't have instincts that just say something amazing is going to happen if this keeps going, the drama doesn't play out so dramatically. normal everyday people don't have to take amazing stands or save those they love. to be groundbreaking in this current world you have to do something outlandish and i'm not capable of any of that i'm ordinary, and i don't want to be. that's what makes me sad i suppose. i will never be the girl that just thinks she's ordinary and is something amazing either...i'm just me. i'm vaguely smart, slightly pretty, oddly funny, horribly twisted, and mostly crazy in a literal sense. most people just don't know how to deal with me or relate to me. i don't like being around people really, i would be a good hermit but then i do need people because without the human interaction i just go deeper into the depression. i honestly think chris is the only reason i'm not totally insane at this point. i feel like i'm getting crazier by the day too. it really suck to realize that your going insane because you realize that's just how you think. your morbid and twisted and in normal society that's not okay. that when someone is stressed it's not normal to tell them to got to a masseuse or start cutting so they can stop freaking out. i may not be as bad as i think i am but i just don't feel all here.

Bitter Sweet Symphony